April 8th 2023
Here I am again.
I'm 10 days til' due date, marriage soon ahead, and wondering what we have been reduced to.
Simon's been off weed for 2 weeks or something. I haven't seen him smile for a while, and I haven't felt any caressing love towards me during this time either. He's heads up in dark clouds ever since I told him that he can't have more until his deadline. A deadline I'm only witholding because of a Easter surprise I've planned. A happy surprise I was excited for, hiding weed eggs for him to find.
His mood now is ruining any vibe I had whatsoever, and unfortunately also reducing us. Our relationship. For every day that goes by with him acting like a zombie, the more I realise that this is not a battle I will ever win. He will always choose me over the weed, but only because it's logically the right thing to do - not because his heart wants to.
This week has shown me that I'm not enough to make him happy. Only weed can apparently do that.
While I didn't marry out of love, rather out of bureaucratic convenience, having a failed marriage before it even legally started does pinch. However, I will not let this stop me from being the best mother I can for this family.
I commit to be the absolute best me, and to put my petty feelings aside. I will act in this family's best interests to move forward. I will carry the whole load on my shoulders. I will be supermom.
But the notion of Simon as the man I am with for the rest of my life, is fading. Because why should I settle with someone that can't love me without weed. Why should I have to make sacrifices if he's not willing to himself.
Why should I carry the weight of feeling unloved.
Don't get me wrong. He is the best daddy I could ever ask for. But his mood this past week has made me lose both love & respect in our relationship. Weed should be a treat, not a necessity.
If this is going to be a thing every time he's out, I'll just keep losing. If we ever manage to drift apart that much ...
I'll just have to see however the puzzles will fit if we ever get to that stage. But one thing's for sure. I will sacrifice all of myself, and never let my feelings or pettiness get in the way for our children's happiness.
Even if that means that I can't have full happiness myself.
Butterflies β’ Tue 12 July 2022
I can't sleep.
It's 4am on a Tuesday morning, and the Scandinavian sun is already brightening the skies.
Beside me lies my beautiful daughter, and on the floor on a mattress lies my man. Back problems from the bed. Understandable, yet slightly tragic, especially considering that we've had issues with being intimate for a long time now.
My head is spinning. Thought after thought is flooding through my mind, creating this insomnia. I can't help but fantasizing about what's out there.
Wondering what we have been reduced to.
I feel safe and secure in this relationship, yet I don't want to imagine a life without those butterflies in my stomach. The ones that comes with first time sparks.
I feel confused.
Here I am, trying to squeeze myself into a societal norm. Not for myself - but in respect of my man. For my family. For the amazing team we actually are, even though my chest longs for excitement and butterflies.
For some things, it's worth compromising oneself, I guess. We all have to decide what's important to us.
These butterflies will keep coming and going, but my family will always be there. So here I am. Allowing myself to feel my feelings & fantasize, but containing my butterflies. Feeling conflicted.
Because in the end
Our hearts are wild things.
That's why our ribs are cages ..
A dream from May 2019
I've been to this absolutely fantastic,
yet so heartbreaking story tonight.
We were at a school. Somehow, me and a few classmates decides to go against the whole flow of other people, and gets picked up by Trevor. He's quiet, but he picks us up on his bicycle. It's heavy, but he says nothing.
The party goes on, and during it, we slowly fall in love. Also, after falling in love, he confesses that he hasn't been feeling well at all the whole time. Rather than not feeling well, he hasn't been able to feel a thing. Except the love that we've built. It's been shining through the whole time.
With his sickness getting worse and worse, & his temperature rising steady, the other classmates return to their places. I don't think they are aware that this will be the last time they see him.
My eyes fills with tears as he says he needs to lay down, temperature's just keeping to rise, and his face slowly getting red. I lay down next to him, knowing the end is near.
Both of us cries, as he realises that our love is something he wants to live for, but won't. Facing each other, surrounded by a whole array of beautiful flowers and spectacles, we cry, and wishes he has more time. I totally break down.
He wipes my tears, says that he loves me, and smiles at the fact that he can't wipe them fast enough. The fact that he has so short time left intensifies the love we feel.
We are laying face to face, so close to each other. End is near. He looks me in the eyes, smoothly touches my tearstained face, and takes his last breath.
I don't remember what happened to his body after, but I remember cleaning up after that party. I remember filming a story to Instagram, at the aftermath of the place.
I arrange the flowers, look up into the sky and hope that his love is everywhere around me, present in those flowers scattered around.
And then I woke up
with that familiar sting in my heart
The birth story
Isola Juni Chailom JΓ€ghammar was born on Monday 5th of July 2021, at pregnancy week 39 +5 days.
Her birth experience went so different than what I had magined at all. In my imagination, I kept my cool more, and I thought I'd hold onto the breathing techniques better. I had a birth plan written, but I realised that it would turn out useless pretty early. So I never gave it to the midwifes π
β’
The transition from late pregnancy to labour started with some slightly upset bowels. That feeling you get when you've had a little too much chillies. The slight ass cramps & sweats π
β’
I also noticed my belly go hard in intervals for a little while, completely painless. I couldn't even feel it, if I hadn't physically touched my stomach. After a few hours with those 'ghost contractions', I started to actually feel them in my belly. They then gradually started to turn painful.
β’
The painless contractions started earlier, but everything else started almost exactly at midnight. The beginning of a new week.
β’
I started timing the contractions when they started to become uncomfortable, just after midnight. They steadily held for about 2 minutes each time, with varying frequency. Mild in the beginning, but picked up in intensity. I had planned to stay at home for as long as I possibly could, to avoid having to go back and forth to the hospital, but by around 06:00am I called the hospital to ask for advice as the contractions had started to become crippling. They told me to come in for a cervix check if I wanted. I gave it a thought, decided to let Simon sleep a bit more, pushed through another 2h, and at 08:00am we both went in.
β’
I was given a delivery room upon arrival, which I hadn't anticipated. We were not prepared at all to stay for delivery. We hadn't brought anything! But there I was, and when they checked me I was only 1cm dilated. They left me in the room to wait for more dilation, & the contractions kept picking up intensity. After 4h they checked me again and I had barely dilated another cm!! At this point I was on the bathroom floor, desperately trying to use the hot shower water to ease the pain, which kept picking up.
β’
To my distress, we decided together that it would be best to wait for a natural dilation rather than popping the membrane and forcing on the labour, so I was left another agonizing 4h.... I started to loose my cool around here. My deep breaths gradually turned into slow hyperventilation, then fast ones that cracked my lips completely.
β’
Fast forward another 4h, and I'm now very loudly moaning in pain. They go in and break my waters at 5cm. Only 5cm dilated, from 16h of contractions ?! Some idiot nurse said "well that's half of the labour!", and I lost hope completely. The thought of staying in that excruciating pain panicked my mind. However, they broke my water and gave me an injection of petadine, which took the worst edge off the pain - but it all was still incredibly painful and even though I knew that I was supposed to feel exactly this way, I felt like my cervix was about to explode.
β’
I must've dilated from 3 to 9cm pretty fast after my waters was broken, because the pain escalated into madness quite fast after that.They didn't manage to get the epidural in before I was in too much pain to sit still, and the anesthesiologist pricked me 14 times right in the spine. Only to have it not work. I was panicking. It was surreal π
β’
Now, thinking back, the epidural probably did numb some areas - it just didn't numb my contraction pains. So when they kept escalating, I kept panicking.
β’
Roughly 4h after my water was broken, I had the urge to push, but as I wasn't sure at first, I said nothing to the midwife. I was begging them to knock me out at that point. Desperation for pain relief had reached its peak. I just wanted them to cut me open and get her out. They obviously didn't listen to the delusional wishes of a labouring woman that's been in screaming pain for 22h straight π
β’
Then! I felt her getting ready to finally come out. She was already on her way in the birth canal when the midwife made the last check, and we started pushing. And what a relief to finally feel like it was going somewhere! For 22h it's just been standing still, being able to do absolutely nothing more than to take an escalating pain, just waiting. The psychological terror when the nurse said "I was only halfway" at 18h. They could definitely have been a bit more supportive, and chosen better words. Knowing I had hours in front of me with no relief was pure horror.
β’
So when we started to push, I finally felt like I could do something myself, to aid in this birth. I finally had the physical power to get her out faster. The Midwife had me lay on my back to push, even though I wanted to birth kneeling, but at that point I just wanted her out so I complied. The pushing stage went so fast. A little bit too fast - I teared. But I finally had power. Pushing and pooping activates the same muscles, so I did feel myself push poop in the same time too - but I could not care less about that in the moment. The midwife asked if I wanted to feel her head crowning. I screamed NOOOO π As she's had her first bowel movements inside the birth canal already, it was all about getting her out as fast as possible now. Not a second to waste.
β’
She descended so fast I ripped my vagina, both on the inside & outside (I didn't feel the rip, thank god). And then she crowned. A few pushes later, I heard her cry. She was wiped, and put to my chest. I could still feel her warm, pulsating cord being attached to the placenta that was still inside of me. The insane pain I had felt for the past 23h subsided almost instantly, and I could for the first time in hours open my eyes and take a deep breath.
β’
And there she was. The most perfect little tiny human had just emerged from inside of me. Despite the cascade of blood she came out with, she already smelled just so good. She attached to the nipple straight away, and I could finally start controlling my breathing again. The worst part was over. She was finally here, and she was absolutely perfect.
β’
Simon was a tremendous help during the last stage of labour. He helped the nurses hold me down and gave me encouraging support when I had long lost my inner battle.
\\nWhen she was crowning, he had his head right there, and was witness to the first sights ever of our daughter. I find that beautiful, and important. He welcomed her first, from one world into another.
β’
The rest of the hospital stay was not a good experience. The midwifes made me feel like a weirdo for birthing naked (I even had to put clothes on for the anesthesiologist?? DURING LABOUR??). Some also made remarks on how unprepared we was, and made us feel like fools for not knowing basic things. Stayed 36h for observation at the hospital. My nipples were in SO MUCH PAIN, from just the first day of breastfeeding, that I questioned if I would be able to continue. They were bleeding, and she had to feed every hour. It felt like necessary torture.
β’
Although I felt so miserable from the whole hospital experience, I had my sunshine in my arms. My new purpose in life. A being created out of pure love. To show me that there's so much good things out there to be felt in the world.
β’
I still can't believe that I pushed this little person out from my body. Would I say that all the pain was forgotten when she was put to my chest? Not really. It was pretty traumatic.
But it was one of the coolest things I've ever done. I created this tiny human inside of me, and through fire and flames, I pushed her through my birth canal. In the end, it really was all worth it. Pain is transformative. Emotionally reborn, again β‘
β’
(Ps. I love the picture of when I'm on the shower floor. It's honest, funny and raw. Never to forget β‘)
Ghosts from the past
I had one of those dreams which ended by slowly fading out towards reality through my fingers, again. In the dream, I smoked a psychedelic cigar, and exactly as one would enter the psychedelic realm on reality, DMT to be exact, I went from dream to waking up.
I dreamt of abandonment, and about the type of desperate pain I've felt throughout my whole life.
Recurring in my dream was also an ex of mine. The one whose breakup damaged me beyond words. Not because he was "the one", but because I was still in the peak of being broken without having found solutions yet. Desperately clinging onto a sinking ship, because I didn't know any better. It must have been a truly traumatic experience, as I'm here 8 years later, feeling heartbroken over briefly have seen him in a dream.
We all have unsolved past ghosts that occasionally comes back to haunt us. It's impossible to sort out all regrets we've created when young & ignorant. I buried the whole JJ experience so deep inside of me that I forgot about it, and found a life past the pain in the meanwhile.
There is still a lot I want to apologize to him for, but probably won't ever get the chance to. Our breakup was still, to this day, one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, and I screwed it up beyond words by being so desperately in pain. I can't see how I'll ever get the chance to express my remorse to him. Not for his sake really - but to bring closure to my case. Himself, has probably just brushed off the whole thing as another failed relationship in the past.
So here I am, 8 years later, with a wonderful life, building my family and an ever growing happiness & understanding of my own emotions, feeling those familiar waves of heartache again. Pain from the past visiting my chest, reminding me to really take care of every happy moment and person I love in this world. Before our time is over.
Before it's too late to apologize, and to have that ghost called JJ buried deep down inside of me, in a dark but never forgotten place of my soul.
Slowly aching and bleeding, probably forever.
Split personalities
I don't know how it's possible, but I feel like a very cynical, nihilistic & positive person, all at the same time.
I feel like the world is hopeless, that humanity is cruel beyond comprehension, & that everything is pretty meaningless. I think that life is something that's forced upon us, & that intelligent consciousness really is soul-twisting curse. How else can we understand what goes around us, and not be absolutely terrified? We don't want to suffer, and we still want to live - but there is no life without suffering. It all feels like a endless cycle of doom, until humanity wipes itself out. Our stupidity is winning our battles. And the apocalypse will be a slow, horrific death beyond our comprehension. I don't want to live.
AT THE SAME TIME
I am happier right now, than I've ever been. Truly content with the simplicity of my current life. I've learnt the importance of accepting things, in order to make life tolerable. I try to stay focused on the good stuff. In the small, everyday things that makes us feel happy. To highlight them, and feel stupidly happy for the smallest of chance. In finding peace not caring so damn deeply about every single thing, that's out of my hands anyway.
This is what keeps me going through it all. To not focus so much on the ways of life we are expected to take, but rather to create my own road. Realising that we don't need everything that we are taught to need. Realising that we don't need to follow the paths that's been carved out for us, if we don't want to. Doing my own thing.
In the big whole - everything is pretty pointless anyway. I believe we create our own meaning, and we subconsciously choose what we deem meaningful.
Things like destiny and meaning of life is something, I believe, we create for ourselves, in our minds. What it is, differs from person to person We make what's important to us into our own life's meaning. But outside of ourselves, it ceases to exist. In the realm of physics, our minds doesn't exist. How the spiritual realm exists, is still a mystery. You basically don't really matter, in the big whole. Which is both a blessing and a curse.
So in the end, life and consciousness is still a curse forced upon us at birth, but while we're here, we might as well try to do the best out of it. Making this damn curse a little bit easier to live through, and even find beauty in it. Because we're stuck anyway. Not like we had a choice. Life is cruel.
Am I making any sense? I don't know. Expressing feelings is not always an easy feat - but it won't stop me from trying.
Point is, life is cruel but we have no other choice than doing the most of it. So realize your limited time on earth, and just try your best to enjoy the ride π€
- ππ ππ π£πππ₯ π¨ππ£ππππ -
Someone told me that they admired my enthusiasm for environmental lifestyle changes. I don't know if I'd want to call it enthusiasm. I think I'd rather place it in a mixed category of caring and fear.
I think, that if you REALLY love your children and those who will be left behind when we die: how could you NOT care about trying to create a better world? Isn't it part of worrying for their future; to think about what world they will have to live in? Will it be a world dominated by natural disasters and famine, or will we find something functional, just to hold on a little bit longer? The way we're currently going, even I am afraid that I'll have to experience starvation, or waddle through the next natural disaster with my dying child in my arms.
I think, that one of the reasons why humans can't seem to grasp the severity of our situation, might be because it's all happening on a too big scale. The consequences aren't right in our face just yet. "I can't smell any greenhouse gases. The shop shelves are still fully stocked. Ice is melting in Antarctica? Won't affect me on my backyard BBQ tomorrow".
Except that it might, as soon as the golf streams sends Europe into another ice age, & the weather has created a hurricane ripping thousands of life's into shreds. And sent your damn BBQ tongs through your eyes.
No one knows how fast it'll happen, and I can only pray that it won't happen while I am alive, but the fact that climate changes will fatally distrupt our civilization is overwhelming. Maybe it won't happen during my lifetime. But even that there's a single percentage chance that it might, is enough to keep me trying to be part of the change.
Understanding the severity of our situation is absolutely. terrifying. Some days, I wish I just didn't think about it. But it's always there, hanging over my head like a dark cloud, questioning if it's even possible to do right at all, in a world built on ever-growing waste.
So if you're still calling it enthusiasm, I won't try to change your mind. In some ways, I guess it could be. Personally, I'd rather call it part fear, and sacrifical care for my future children. I just know I won't be able to bear even the thought of them starving to death, being crushed in an earthquake, or drowning in a tsunami, because I wanted to live conveniently during my time.
Realisation of the connection between our desire for convenience, & our man made destruction, sends absolute terror through my spine. And at the same time, keeps me motivated to keep trying to find new ways to improve my sustainability in this world. It's a damn hard puzzle tho.
God knows it's hard to navigate between all information and do right. I mean, what even is right? Can we find our way out of this maze? We have created so many layers to get lost in. But we gotta at least try. For the sake of the loved ones we'll eventually leave behind π
11 April 2021
Entering third trimester today!
Wow. Second trimester was a breeze. Except for this growing belly, I barely even feel pregnant at all. The pregnancy symptoms hasn't changed much; I still don't feel mood swings, fatigue or cravings, but that skin outbreak seems to be here to stay. That's okay. It could be so much worse.
I've felt increasingly impatient for a while - I'm looking forward for the birth experience so much! I know I'll probably regret everything once the labour pains starts, but right now, I'm just so excited!! Pain and all, I believe it will be the most incredible experience ever. And it will result with a forever friend in my arms. I can't wait β€οΈ
There isn't much to say about the second trimester at all, at least not physically. I've been trying to work out as much as I can at home, in preparation for the bodily feat of pushing out another human, and just in case pregnancy fatigue takes over with the growing belly. I seem to have been one of the lucky ones - and I hope it stays that way.
Other than physical matters, there's been quite an unfortunate timing with Malta's second lockdown. Almost exactly one year after the first, the government decided to close down all businesses for one and half month.
Being in the second trimester, now has really been the time for me to work and save up, before the due date creeps up too much. Especially since I've had good energy levels. However, fate had other plans, and I've just been living out lockdown life at home with our cats. I miss working, and I miss the daily exercise I get getting to and from work. I walk a lot when working, so I feel that I miss out on physical benefits while stuck in lockdown. Yoga can only do so much - I need my cardio too :| Not to speak about the money I need to save before having to stay at home with a child for months.
BUT
It's all out of my hands. I can't do anything about businesses not opening. So I try not to get annoyed by the stupid timing. If everything goes as planned, I'll be back at work about 2 months before due date, and I'll try to keep working for as long as I possibly can. However, I pray to God that my water don't break on the work commute ......
Trimester 3, here I come ~
12 March 2021
About bringing new life into this world.
I'm not exclusively happy. I'm also terrified.
I'm terrified because of how broken this world is. Of how we'll teach our child to navigate through the broken pieces of humanity. Of all the pain she'll inevitably go through. Of every moment she will be shattered, and question why she was brought here. As I did so many times.
The decision is taken through. There's no going back now. I kept the child bearing thoughts at bay for as long as I could, until my biological clock got the best of me. I just really want this child. And I'm making the ultimately selfish decision to have her.
I will do my absolute best to build you into a healthy mind, and prepare you for the endless amount of shit this world will throw at you. I will teach you how to find happiness and magic in the smallest of everyday things. I will try to make life hurt a little bit less than it did for me. If I can, I would love you to just be happy.
13 February 2021
πΈ I've changed. A lot.
β’ From smoker to party smoker to actively think cigarettes are the most disturbing thing we ever invented, and that it should be banned because humanity can't seem to learn how dispose of them properly.
β’ From being out socialising all days & nights a week, to months of stone cold sobriety, self care and relaxation.
β’ From fully giving in to my destructive defense mechanisms, the desperate need to enjoy every last moment before it disappears forever, to finding the path to calmness, and trust in the universe for letting things happen in their own pace.
β’ From sacrificing my physical self in the process of borderline dangerous decadence, to be carefully picky about who I let into my mind space.
β’ From looking down at people's behaviours, as if I possessed a superior spirituality, to humbly accept that we are all on different stages of learning, and that by condemning what others do, we slow our own inner growth.
β’ (Don't get me wrong, humanity still pisses me off. I'm only human & I have my weak points π I'm just slowly learning to not react on everything anymore. Choosing what gets my energy, & what passes me by. Isolation has made this a lot easier than before. Lol)
β’ The more I learn, the more I realise how damn much there is to realise. Things we take for granted. Things that's been forgotten. How short our lives are, and how blessed I am for finding my way towards inner healing, in time.
I change, every day.
Nice to meet you again πΈ
28 dec 2020. entering week 14, month 4
This is a text I wrote a few months ago, when I still wanted to keep quiet about the pregnancy at first. I'm slowly opening up about it now, so here's the text about when I entered the 4th month of creating new life;
β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’β’
Hey there. In the coming days, I'll be leaving the first trimester and take a step into that second trimester everyone says is so breezy.
I haven't been able to write much at all about the pregnancy so far - I've been so busy with the Christmas stress of December at my new job. That almost broke me, and I haven't had any energy whatsoever to spend any time with my hobbies. It's literally just been work, go home, fall exhaustively into bed and just get stuck there for the rest of the day. Last time I ventured outside the flat for anything else than groceries, was around 2 months ago. I don't mind though. I don't have energy to meet friends either.
I've been thinking about the timing of all things lately - how I got the new job almost exactly as conception must have happened. Of course I'll be exhausted - but before being quick to blame being tired of work on pregnancy hormones, I'll have to stop you in your tracks. It's so fucking annoying, that as soon as people get to know that you're pregnant, all of your problems suddenly falls under "oh, it's just the hormones talking". As if they're just my imagination making life worse.
As much as I understand that hormones can make life difficult, I really haven't felt those mood swings people talk about yet. Yes, I've been mentally exhausted from this completely new job with tasks I don't really understand the mechanisms of, but I bet you that if I make a list of what I don't like now, they'll still apply once the pregnancy is over. The issues I'm experiencing with the job is rooted in spirituality, and not just 'something that's annoying that I can learn to live with'. I am part of a modern world that I don't want to live in. I feel like a wild bird in a cage where I don't belong. I am part of the problem now. I can assure you that I'll still want to go back to my simple hippie ways, as soon as I've saved up enough to feel safe.
However, I won't blame it all on the new job - of course the pregnancy fatigue has played a role in making all of this extra exhausting. The exhaustion is real! And the nausea! Let's talk about the physical aspects of this pregnancy.
For the first 3 months, it just felt like I had a constant hangover. The sickness was bad; not as bad as I had to vomit, but hard enough to keep it from distracting my focus. Tiniest smells of any kinds of food fat made it even more violent, which is when I also started to develop food aversions. The thought of consuming any kind of meat, butter or oil made my stomach turn. I resorted to fruits and vegetable purΓ©es to at least get some nutrients into my poor body. I did my best to cover my protein and fat intake with various vegetarian options, but I'm still not sure if I managed to squeeze in enough. I did my best and that's well enough.
To this day, those food cravings and mood swings people speak about still hasn't shown up. I know I still have 2 trimesters left to discover them at, but other than the nausea, enhanced smells, a small blackhead outbreak, fatigue and food aversions, I don't feel much different at all. Even entering month 4, it even seems like I'm loosing weight rather than getting that baby bump that's supposed to come around now. Oh well. I'm not too worried. Everyone is different. I just didn't know I was this kind of different π
I am grateful for still feeling in physical shape, and I have faith in that my body will tell me in its own pace whenever it needs more specific nutrients, rest, or whatever it could be. As long as I just keep being mindful in eating a wide range of vegetables & proteins, and keep doing small kinds of exercises to stay healthy in body and soul, I'll be perfectly fine. If people can have healthy babies on a diet of French fries, then I am more than sure that my diet covers every building block that my body will need for this. And if not, it'll tell me.
As I've entered the second trimester, the nausea and fatigue is starting to ease up. I feel better. From what I've read, this is supposed to be the happiest trimester where I'll supposedly have a bit more energy and appetite. Which I'm really looking forward for! Going from being a food champion to not being able to eat anything at all has been pretty depressing. I want to be a glutton again! Food makes me happy. I'm looking forward to discovering that kind of everyday magic again β‘
1st picture is taken around end of November I believe. 2nd mid December. Definitely lost both weight and ability to eat. Morning sickness my ass, more like all day sickness π¬
New year, New air β‘
I feel free.
I've been freed from that new job that's been killing me lately. A stone has been lifted from my chest. Not because the place in itself was bad, but because I didn't belong in that type of environment. In that pace of life.
I stumbled into this whole circus just thinking I'd be cooking, and got slapped in the face with the position of catering manager, with one week's notice. Completely unprepared, I did my best, but still didn't meet up to expectations. Too much of a team member, than a leader. And that's okay too.
But... Why did I stay even though I clearly wasn't happy?
I guess just didn't want to give up too fast. I wanted to give it some time beyond first impression. I wanted to see what I could learn. Give it a serious chance instead of just labeling it "not my style" and tossing it away. Although, I'm sure that my unhappiness must've been shining through, as my soul died a little bit more every day
I lost my will to do anything else than laying in bed. I lost motivation for things that used to inspire me. Being reminded everyday of the way civilization has evolved, to usurp mother earth, was very hurtful. My soul felt out of place, suddenly being part of it.
What matters the most is that I tried. I learnt a lot from these 3 months in the normal office world. Lessons that will still be valuable for the rest of my life. I also learnt that I'm better off being on the outskirts of society, living my simple ways far far away from laptops and a digitalised reality. Away from the 'normal' of today, which is partly destroying our planet.
I think closed doors are something we should be grateful for. They protect us from things not meant for us. Even though it brought me mostly down, I am still very grateful for being given the chance to try something new. And for the universe finally freeing me from somewhere I don't belong.
At last, I can be on the way to my creative and peaceful self again. Exhale this stress & replenish with that inner calm early 2020 showed me. Focus on being the happiest me, in preparation for the wild adventures that soon will come our way.
I see that light at the end of this tunnel.
I can finally, start smiling again β‘
2020 - The year of immense growth
This year started out as one of the biggest blessings of my life so far, and ended a little bit less good. The lessons are not forgotten, so it's still a year of immense inner growth, and freedom from old, bad habits. Even if I'm less satisfied with my current situation, I also do know that life comes in waves, and that I'll ride this one out eventually too. So all in all, very happy for all the lessons learnt and all the peace this year has brought to my soul. This is going to be a long post. Let's start month by month;
January
Literally started the new year with flying to Sicily! Went visiting an old friend of ours, who showed us how winter was in a very similar little Mediterranean island. We stayed in her tiny flat in central Ortigia, and the whole trip was just about simple pleasures; we ate so much Sicilian food, we drank so much local wine and we drove around watching beautiful places while talking with no end.
The rest of January, we discovered that we could sneak into a nearby spa - and obviously spent some time there. Combined with pizza and wine afterwards, we really cozed our way through the first month of the year β€οΈ
February
Our cozy spa adventures continued meanwhile we worked our normal days at the restaurant. And then we took another, longer holiday. This time up north, for visiting family.
We started the journey by flying to London, where we said hello to my 2 sisters. The London visit was basically just us scavenging for cheap buffets, checking markets and hanging in urban cafΓ©s with my younger sisters. London sure is cozy wintertime, and I wished we had a bit more time, but we only spent 2 days as our schedule was a bit crammed.
We then flew to Copenhagen, where we spent half a day getting absolutely shitfaced. Sampling the local spirit BrΓ€nnvin & discovering that they sell 1 liter beer pints in the winter wonderland park next door made for a magically fun daytime activity. We later on decided to sober up with what we thought was a normal, weak Irish coffee - but it turns out that it's 6cl of whiskey in that one too. How we didn't loose all of our belongings is a mystery, but I'm happy. We somehow managed to catch the evening train to South of Sweden, although it's all just fog by that point (hahahaha).
The train led us straight into the arms of Simon's longing mother - who knew what we were craving after living abroad for so long. A proper Swedish breakfast table! We eat that any time of the day anyway. It might've been some Christmas classic food that Simon was missing too. We don't really remember now do we.
The next week, we just stayed with his family, doing nothing but eating long long all day breakfasts and visiting old places where he grew up. It was really just about warming family times. Simon comes from a very loving family, so different from how I was brought up. Although it felt unusual, I was happy to be invited into the warmth of his home. Maybe I can learn how to give this too. After a week, it was time to go north to my hometown.
The main purpose of this visit was mainly to meet my old old father for the last time. I somehow had a hunch that his time was starting to near its end, and I turned out to be right 2 months later. I am very happy for being able to indirectly say good-bye. I'm just very sad for my sister that didn't .
We met up with my oldest, dearest childhood friend Harald, and ventured into the woods where I'd grown up. Unlike Simon, I don't really meet nostalgia in the same way. My past is filled with broken bones and shattered glass. Being back feels awkward, even though I've risen from those ashes. There is something miserable lingering in the air of this small town. Or maybe it's just all in my head.
After some time spent with my foster family, and at my brother's new house, it was time to get back. And ended a bittersweet February month with buffet, and a new tattoo.
March
March came, and life went on as usual with our 2 jobs. That is, until the lockdown was announced.
Even though we didn't have much savings at that point, we immediately took this as a somehow good thing - we were probably overworked and in need of a good rest that wouldn't have happened if lockdown didn't. We realised that this was out of our hands, and made the best of the situation. We rested, reflected and started jogging a bit. I finally had time to start giving yoga a serious chance, something that would continue to shape me throughout the whole year.
We realised how little we could actually get by on. We spent β¬197 that entire month, and we still ate good, healthy food. I really am a kitchen magician ;)
One of our biggest entertainment was feeding stray cats in the crisp spring weather. March was beautiful, and so was the following months to come.
April
Lockdown was still under effect, and we stayed isolated only us two. We ventured out on jogging trips and seaside picnics in the sun, and Malta started to green up in preparation for the summer to come. I started to get to know my own body better, and slowly found my own pace with yoga. I started painting again. Big plans slowly made their introduction to our lifes. Spring really was in the air β€οΈ
May
After having a lot of time to think, we finally took a decision we've been pondering about for months. And we welcomed two beautiful rescue cats to our home!
Being rescues, they weren't all flowers and cute things, and we did struggle a bit with smells and sofa clawing . We wrapped up the couch with cling film and practiced patience. It took them 3 weeks to start coming to us, and after that, everything else was just forgotten. We named them Salem & Lucifer.
June
The Maltese June is the official start of the summer, and lockdown restrictions had eased up. We slowly started to go back to work, and out on beach trips. Once, we stole watermelons from a field we happened to pass by. We tried aerial beach yoga for the first time. Summer was here.
July
More beach club happy hour by ourselves. We we're still not working 100%, so we spent with caution. We still treated ourselves some summer cocktails, and pizza every now and then. Still didn't really meet much friends at all, but we had each other & and kittens, and we realised that we didn't really need much else.
August
Started to find stability and confidence in my yoga balances. Went on boat trips. Worked. Drew. August was a very inspirational month, where my creativity was at its peak. And so was the summer heat.
September
I was at my peak of physical shape. I had expanded my workout routine to 4-5 days a week, and was building muscle, flexibility and stability fast. Throughout the whole summer, I felt how the body became stronger, and by September, I could really feel the fruit of my persistence. My confidence started to grow. I felt amazing. I felt strong.
The stone was set in motion in the midst of this month.
October
I was looking for some extra hours to fill in my slightly too relaxed work schedule, and somehow stumbled in as Catering manager in an office. I had no idea that the intention was to find a manager, as I probably wouldn't have applied for the position if I knew, but they seemed to have trust in that giving me the position. I could always quit if it turned out to not be my cup of tea, and there was many lessons to learn from a leading position. I decided to give it a go. I worked 60h/ week for two months straight, morning to evening, in the transition time between N bistrot and the sudden manager job.
November
I slowly stopped drinking - it all just happened so naturally. I just didn't feel the magic anymore. Which I'm so happy for. I've sure had my good times drinking with friends in the sun, but it was time for healing now. Besides, I was working too much and I simply had no time to neither drink or be hungover at. I suddenly had to step up and be a manager. Planning rosters. Doing orders. Planning food menu's. I needed my head sharp, so I slowly reduced my hours at the restaurant to keep up besides stopping to drink. My mental health declined, stress levels rised. I stopped doing yoga. I kept telling myself that it's just a transition time until I've learnt everything. Then it'll go smoother.
December
December came, and so did the peak stress. I was close to a mental breakdown. It wasn't the tasks at hand that stressed me out - it was not being sure if I could deliver what was expected. It was also about being part of the modern world, that I've proudly taking a stance from. Consumerism. Being presentable. Reputation. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I wasn't happy, but I also realised that the stress of festive season could be the culprit in making matters worse. I decided to keep on trying, and somehow soldiered December through, in hopes of January and February being calmer.
During this month, I only ventured in between work and bed. No energy or motivation for any activities, or meeting friends.
And here we are now - finally having a week of mandatory holiday leave, and having some time to get back to yoga and to recover mentally. The past 3 months has been hard on me. I've turned from a positive spirit guide, to a total Grinch. But it's okay too. It'll all be worth it in the end, and next year, big big plans are slowly making their debut. This is just another one of life's waves. And I, shall surf this one out too.
π Wishing you all a good 2021 π
26 July 2020
πΈ β’ Throughout my whole life, I've tried to give too many shits, which resulted in the important shit getting buried under the mountain of everything else that I tried to care about.
Nowadays, I'm trying to practice not giving a shit about things that does not vibe with the person I am becoming today. Identifying & de-trigger what usually upsets me. It'll be a life long process.
Not giving a shit does not necessarily translate into not caring - in this context, it's the realisation to stop overthinking about the things that's out of my hands anyway.
Caring can be really draining, so I find it important to prioritize what I really have the capacity to care for. Giving the mind a chance to recover from the countless impressions of every day β’
New, greener winds are flowing
β’ Lately, I've noticed that I'm gradually shifting towards a more plant based diet.
Rather than forbidding myself anything, my interest for meat & fish is just in decline, replaced with amusement of the vivid colours & health benefits veggies can give me.
I am fully embracing the direction I am going in, as I do believe the world would be a better place without industrial mass-suffering. And I thank the universe for letting all of this happen so naturally, for me.
However much I do like the thought of veganism, I also believe that it can promote other harmful mechanisms, such as importing food from all over the world. Animal produce or not, I think choosing local is the most sustainable option when it comes to the climate.
But.
I've been a sushi chef for almost 10 years. Not owning my own restaurant, or deciding my own menu, proves it difficult to stay as sustainable as I would like. Which makes me wonder what I can, or should do.
I don't want to be part of the old ways that's clearly steering us into the abyss.
I want to be part of the change.
And change starts with oneself.
(To be clear... I haven't even come close to figure it out yet. Just sharing my thoughts of today. Thank you for reading π±)
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