Forgotten talents

So, I'm back on the island of no fucks given (actually meant that in a homey, heartwarming sense). Still got another 2 weeks of holiday before I'll get back into my chef's wear. I've been, ever since Thailand, quite motivated to use this free time to develop my art stuff and practice of yoga. I'm afraid that I've lost all skills because of constantly working. Always at work.
I know that even if you're given a talent, it still won't become anything if you don't practice it. It's like that with my art. I know I've got potential, just looking back at myself growing up; always holding a pen since I was 2y old and man, I've been pretty impressive for my age. And then I started to work and almost instantly; I stopped evolving. Now, I'm stuck at the mental drawing-stage of 16. Damn, I think I even went back a few years! Surely forgot some techniques and killed a lot of creativity. I've stopped evolving.
My mind used to be a sprouting wild forest, stretching all over my vision, through my soul and arm and out on the paper. Oh man, all the creativity and techniques that just came to me naturally! Thinking back, I feel really impressed of the younger me, especially the teenage one. I can really feel the difference, because I remember how idea after idea popped into my head. I drew for hours every day for most of my teenage years. I remember how it felt like when my head was full of visions I could reach.
At first, I didn't realise that this was something I have to work for to revive. I've spent 6 years waiting for ''the inspiration'' to come back; It does not work that way. I've realised that if I want to revive whatever talent I once had, I really need to work on it. Learn those techniques back, continue through failed attempts and maybe, maybe my head will start flowing with creativity again. Maybe it's just me being very motivated in this moment, but I really want to try now. I want to see how far back I can reach. I want my wild forest back.



The Thailand experience

The sweet escape was a bittersweet mix between intense dancing joy, and ambushes of depressive realitychecks.
The time up north was unfortunately quite depressing overall, but considering that it was the last place me and my ex had spent our last holiday.... Let's just say that I saw it coming. However, it was really nice to spend some time with the lost family. Drinking, eating and driving around together... Sometimes I wonder if it'd be the same if we met more frequently. One will never know.
And then we went south.
Oh Pha-ngan. This place grows closer and closer to me. Especially with this visit where we actually hung out like/with locals. Met my maltese party crew up and oh my god, the first 4 days was just a hurricane of FUN. We danced, we drank, we had liquid love and we laughed. Danced til dawn, and welcomed the sun back up in the morning; bliss. Obviously, a downhill had to come. After a 53h dance-binge, my time was up. I walked through the jungle high as a kite, made it home and slept for 13h straight. 
The next 4-5 days was detox times. Wasn't feeling too well, which was understandable after drinking and dancing in the heat for days, barely touching food. Spent those days just taking care of myself.. Eating, beaching and resting. A lot. I was surprised that I didn't feel like partying again for so long; normally I would struggle to stay clean already after 2 or 3 days. There's something differnt about Thailand... My urge to drink does barely exist over here. It's not difficult to stay sober. Throw me back in Malta, and I'll be drawn to the bars like a fly to the light. I don't know what Malta does to me, but I turn into a complete crazy dancing alcoholic panda there. I wonder if I'll ever understand why. 
So, I was the last one to leave this beautiful, spiritual little island, and headed up to Bangkok where I would spend 1,5 days in wait for the flight back to my mediterranean home. Spent those days with my mother and cousin, wishing I'd stayed a bit longer... But the tickets were already booked. How foolish of me. This sudden family time was unexpected. If I'd known, I'd stayed another week. It's not like I've got a deadline to get back this time...
Oh yeah. I have to figure out what I want to do when I get back since Gochi closed. I've got a few options. Let's spend those 15 flight hours with that.

Naked beach

My dear friend snapped these when we played in the waters of a hidden beach on the west side of Koh Pha-gnan. One could never have guessed that there was a tiny trail into the jungle behind some bushes next to the road, leading out to this little paradise... off with your clothes!

The sweet escape to Thailand

And here we are again, on another escape to the holy motherland. Escaping what? Willingly or not, I just had to get away a bit. From everything. 

The last few months has been more stressful and alcoholic than ever, with double the amounts of worries than usual, piling up on my shoulders. Paying rent for a flat I’m not staying in, the aftermaths of heartbreak, still sharing bed with the ex, not having time to move out in time before the travels, considering a change of career (economical reasons, I’m burning out) but not being able to come to any conclusion whatsoever, running in mental circles, started to date a human who sends mixed signals (I don’t even know if he enjoys my company or not?) and who’s absolutely impossible for me to read, yet I’m so hooked but also is also afraid that I’m probably still too emotionally disturbed to handle this in a good way, but then, won’t I always be? 

Add working 6 days a week on top of that and yes, I was close to hit the wall. I don’t think I’ve ever been this close before. I could feel myself loosing sense of reality. And oh, shouldn’t forget to mention the alcoholism that comes as a coping mechanism aswell.

In any case, I’m in the writing moment on a plane away from Europe. We’ll start easy with a family reunion up north, followed by some normal charter holiday down south with Ruby and the Maltese techno crew. I am slightly worried about my economical situation, but anyway; I can’t wait. I need this. My mind needs to unwind before it implodes in fireworks of manic-depressive fits (which has starting to present themselves the last week).

I’ve never been the warmest person towards my family since I grew up in a foster home, but I really looking forward for this week with them. Some soothe after this close-to-crash-period. Trying to behave like a normal family. Not having to worry about anything else than gaining weight from all of the good food we’re guaranteed to devour. Washing it all down with ice cold Chang from 7eleven ;) 


Eating habits

Being a food champion doesn't neccessarily mean that I eat like a pig every day. Actually, I've got my periods of binge-drinking and no food for days aswell. Guess that's a party-girl's way of compensating haha. Absolutely not saying that it's neither healthy nor intentional, but point is, my intake sure as hell isn't five pizzas a day, every day as some seem to believe.
On a regular basis, I would say that my eating is very healthy. Tons of seaweed, ginger, beans and vegetables, a bit of seafood/fish and some carbs on the side (I'm not afraid of carbs, duh). Probably eating waaaaaaay too much fresh chillies and raw garlic. And I don't really drink anything else than green tea, coffee, water and beer. Occasional cocktail.
And tequila.
Working as a chef means long long hours at work on my feet, which means that I have full control over my intake. There's no time for going out for dinner, so I'm already skipping the heavy takeout meals many have on a regular basis. Add 12+ hours of running around, lifting stuff and voila! It feels okay to not stress over skipping gym.
Even though I can (and will) eat anything that's presented to me, there's a few things I really don't like and would avoid if I can;
  • Jellied stuff
  • Melted cheese (cheese tastes better cold, in my opinion)
  • Chocolate (Unless it's over 90%. Can't stand the sweet, melty feeling)
  • All sorts of candy
  • Sweet pastry. Cakes. Sugary stuff
  • Pork meat (Yes. That includes bacon) #hatebacon

So, In general, I seem to have pretty healthy preferences anyway. Just by not even liking many of the so called bad foods, it’s not even an effort to stay on a good level of health. I don’t cry for that lost cupcake (anyway, too sweet, ew), but oh my god, give me another five portions of lentil curry!! I do eat a lot. But a lot of healthy food. Guess that’s the difference.

 I feel super lucky to crave what’s good for me instead of the artificial stuff many people seem addicted to. I don’t know how it changed to become this, I do have a history of sweets just 6 years ago, but I absolutely don’t complain :)  







Porky's BBQ challenge

So, visited London for a bit and after walking around in Camden we drunkely decided to pop into Porky's BBQ for their meat feast food challenge. Rules: 1 huge burger with pulled pork and bacon, 3 BBQ ribs and 6 hot wings to be devoured within 30 minutes to get the t-shirt. I normally barely eat meat at all, so I wasn't too sure about this first.... but somehow, I killed it on 20 min 50 sec. 

And then we went for more beer to celebrate, of course. :) 



Hello day

Today is alright. Have been on a binge-party since 5 days back in a row. A lot of fun.. Don't feel hungover or bad in any ways actually. Also didn't eat for 3 days. Maybe this kind of fasting is good for a self-destructive bipolar human being. I even got motivation for going to a yoga class! Feel energised somehow. After-effects of cocaine? Whatever it is, I feel like everything will fall in place somehow. No signs of despair today. Yet at least

Challenge accepted??


3 heartbreaks this year? Really life, is that all you've got? Wanna see if you can manage another one before this year is over? Let's go. Show me that nothing matters anymore

My curse

I wonder why my stomach hurts so much. 

Is it all of the alcohol I've been marinating myself with the last 7 years? Is it the stress of knowing that I can't disappear without hurting the people who cares? Being forced to stay alive and suffer each day? Could it be the notion of slowly fading away from my lovers sight? The emotional starvation of sleeping next to someone you can't touch? The pain in my chest that makes my whole soul shudder down to it's bare knees and burst through my cheeks and my eyes?

Having feelings may be a gift, but I'm starting to doubt whether the good ones really outweights the heavy ones. Having too much feelings towards any direction whatsoever, is my curse.

One side of the narrow mind of scandies

It might just be me, but I noticed a pretty big social difference while in Sweden. The meeting of people, especially strangers, seems to be more focused on dating and/or sex, there's more backthought between each planned encounter than it seems to be in the Mediterranean. Down here, a bigger percentage of people meet up without reason really, guy plus girl does not automatically mean date, which of course doesn't include all of the cases in Sweden, but from my experiences.... the general. I don't know. I might be wrong. Just random thoughts on the airplane.


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Mdina medieval festival

Kings and queens and knights and whole roasted wild hog. It's that time of the year again!

Aching. Aching so much

I feel severely heartbroken.


Life feels like a mess with the changing of flat, the uncertainty of it, emotions sprouting to all wrong directions, separation anxiety, my heart is aching violently, mind going crazy and wishing that I never had any feelings whatsoever. Life on the bipolar side sure is hard from time to time. Breathe




Having a sudden pit stop in Sweden to renew my passport. Apparently, my dear boyfriend and his bestie got us kicked out from our flat in Malta for being noisy. Good job (y). If one gets kicked out from one flat, maybe laying low should be a wise idea no? Apparently not.
So, as soon as I get my new passport, I'll fly home to sort things out. Economically a shiet timing since I'm out traveling. On the other hand, everyone's bombarding me with paradise photos of the Malta weather, so it'll be really nice to exchange theese snow storms in Sweden for Maltese sun....
where would you rather be?


Got nothing special to say really.... Kind of blue lately. Got a lot on my mind. Need some rest......

Inspiration, please stay

As I was listening to the sound of waves and scrolling on the web in my hotel room in Prachuap, I got the totally sudden urge to draw. Idea after idea popped into my head, and I hurried to sketch down as many as possible. Daughter, The deer tracks, Death cab for cutie and The postal service made it all go smoother through the process. After this many years of creative absence, can you believe it?! I finally drew again! Should I go fetch a piano aswell, while it lasts??
I'm not sure what I may have scrolled past that triggered it, but I'm sure as hell happy for whatever. I've been trying to be creative for years, but nothing felt natural anymore. I got stuck. I sure hope I can hold onto this creative little wave for a while now. 

In the back of a pick up

Hey guys! If you just knew what I've been watching for the last 3 hours....

We started the day by driving to the orchid and butterfly farm at Mae Rim area. Perfect place to snap pretty photos, and yes, pretty much all of them flowers matched my hair :) Continued to a small stream with benches and had a few beers before we started the 5h long drive from Chiangmai mai to Phrae.

I have to say, my favourite way of travel must be like this, in the back of a pick up, wind in my hair, and after watching the sun set, thousands of stars shining right at me. The feeling of freedom is insane, especially while roadtripping for this many hours. Occasionally, I did get paranoid thoughts of road bandits, but yeah... Huge waste of life to be afraid of everything ey.

If you ever get the chance, try travel in the back of a pick up, uncomfortably and bumpy. And make sure you drive while the sun's setting <3


Thailand and away

Oh hai. Was a while ago, wasn't it? While I'm back home in Malta, my life consists of work and partying only. Literally. However, I'm now out on the road again, so you can expect a few more posts every now and then!
So, this time, the journey starts in Thailand. While I'm usually a solo traveler, I'm having my partner with me for the first two weeks this time. It's a nice change. Having someone to share meals and chat with through everything feels nice. Two is a nice number for travels. I'll be alone soon though.. One week left before he's going back home.
First, we spent 24 hours in BKK. 20 of them just.... eating. The street food sure is amazing in this city. Another not so amazing thing is the amounts of huge rats on the streets at night. We had to flee to the airport earlier than expected.... 
Arrived to the airport in time, just to realize that we screwed up our time zones and booked wrong dates for our flight to Vietnam. Pretty exhausted, we had a few beers, said fuck it, and took the next flight down south. Oh hello comfortable island life!
Koh Phangan was... Well. Island life and buckets can't go wrong, can it? We spent 6 nights driving around on scooters, heaving beer, eat not-very-interesting-but-tasty food and swimming in blue waters. A usual paradise stay in our favorite Thai island. We even spent some time with my foster parents and had scooter adventures with my polish fox who happened to be in the area <3 The standard holiday was good. But it was time to get out of the comfort zone now.
Next stop: Chiang Rai! 
The first thing noticed about north was the temperature. Oh so cool! A very nice change from the pungent sweats of south. We found us a tuktuk driver who took us around for 5 hours(?!). First stop just had to be Black house. Walking around animal bones and black, rather vicious-looking temples, this place gave us an occult shiver during the whole stay. Super cool, and super creepy.
And of course..... Who can visit Chiang Rai without going to White temple? Incredible piece of art. And all them small mirror pieces stuck in every single centimeter of he whole palace?? Holy crap. Words can't describe the beauty of it. Just go. And bring the anti-tourist spray if you ever want to get a picture of it alone.
Aaahhhhh......... Singha factory next. This was one of the highlights of the whole trip so far. Sipping draft Singha while gazing out over hectares of tea plantages and pointy mountains.. Could easily spend a whole day here. Singha definetely tastes best by draft. I think I need to install one when I get home. 
On our way back, we had a random stop at a local food market to sample weird stuff to eat. And sure we did. And yes, we're still alive...... 
Thanks for making it this far. I normally don't write long posts like this, but it's been hard to find regular spots for updates. Hoping to divide them more in the future :) 

The loss of whatever talents there was

I think I'm losing my talents. I used to be so good at drawing, dancing, instruments, but now, in the abscence of practice, I feel like theese things are withering away. Sure, I'm refining my cooking skills 300% by doing it for a living, but sometimes, I can't help to feel that I would gladly exchange a few percent of those to, mostly, drawing. God, I know this is just another thing in life one's gotta cope with, but I can't help myself to get stuck and whine every now and then.

So, today, I tried to draw again. I lost the flow. Nothing that came out from the pen felt natural anymore. Either this is a 'paus', or it's never coming back again. I've got masterpieces stuck in my head, but not the skills to portrait them correctly. Artistically speaking, it's difficult to stay positive when nothing feels right.

30 Dec 2017

Irony. It's a beautiful Friday, I'm off from work, and the sun is warming my skin through the window. The skies are clearly blue, but so am I. Why the polar opposites? Why can't I find motivation to go out and enjoy this perfect day? I'm even off work, on a Friday! (Which is rare). The only tunes I can bring myself to hear is Daughters pained sounds. They ache in rythm with my heartbeats.

Sigh... the dark force is clearly strong in this one... I would love these feelings to go from my fingers, through a pen and onto a paper, but it feels like I've long lost the ability to draw. Why this.....why so heavy and blue.....why anything.... breathe

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