calory

For the first time in my life, I've found someone that's growing closer and closer to me, rather than getting more and more annoyed by. And while that is a beautiful thing, it does go against what the way I've found of how I want to live my life. 

Having to compress all of my love into one and only being, not being able to share it does not feel right for me. While I understand that this doesn't follow the normal guidelines of how relationship work, I wonder why I have to obey to the rules when I don't want to? It's not even about sex. It's about the freedom to share love. We make our own lives right?

I've been perfectly clear about having other wants than normal from the very beginning, but somehow, I've still managed to get into this relationship that requires me to be "normal". What else can one do than being clear and open about it? Isn't it unjust that I have to comply with his values of how our relationship should work, just because they are normal? Does my alternative opinions not matter as much because they are different? 

While my love for him grows every day, I still can't believe that I've now attached to someone that decides who I can meet or not. Who makes a big fucking fuss if I meet the wrong person. Who makes a big fuss if someone is attracted to me, even if I'm not to them. As if my opinion in this doesn't matter.

We have a wonderful relationship that's just getting better and better, but I can't get away from this feeling of unjust. That, just because I am mentally stronger, have to comply with his wishes because he can't handle mine. 

I know that I am different. Even wrong. A villain. But that doesn't mean that my feelings doesn't matter. And in this relationship right now, I comply because I can and will for him, but not because I want to. Which breeds that dark little dot inside somewhere. It itches every damn time I think about it. 

One of my biggest fears has been being with only one person for the rest of my life. 

I somehow hope that this eventually will disappear. What we have is far too precious to throw away because of my alternative feelings. I am willing to wait for this one, until maybe, maybe one day, I will wake up, and be comfortable with the thought of being with him forever, and him only.