calory

About bringing new life into this world. 

I'm not exclusively happy. I'm also terrified. 

I'm terrified because of how broken this world is. Of how we'll teach our child to navigate through the broken pieces of humanity. Of all the pain she'll inevitably go through. Of every moment she will be shattered, and question why she was brought here. As I did so many times. 

The decision is taken through. There's no going back now. I kept the child bearing thoughts at bay for as long as I could, until my biological clock got the best of me. I just really want this child. And I'm making the ultimately selfish decision to have her. 

I will do my absolute best to build you into a healthy mind, and prepare you for the endless amount of shit this world will throw at you. I will teach you how to find happiness and magic in the smallest of everyday things. I will try to make life hurt a little bit less than it did for me. If I can, I would love you to just be happy. 

• From smoker to party smoker to actively think cigarettes are the most disturbing thing we ever invented, and that it should be banned because humanity can't seem to learn how dispose of them properly. 

• From being out socialising all days & nights a week, to months of stone cold sobriety, self care and relaxation. 

• From fully giving in to my destructive defense mechanisms, the desperate need to enjoy every last moment before it disappears forever, to finding the path to calmness, and trust in the universe for letting things happen in their own pace. 

• From sacrificing my physical self in the process of borderline dangerous decadence, to be carefully picky about who I let into my mind space. 

• From looking down at people's behaviours, as if I possessed a superior spirituality, to humbly accept that we are all on different stages of learning, and that by condemning what others do, we slow our own inner growth. 

• (Don't get me wrong, humanity still pisses me off. I'm only human & I have my weak points 😂 I'm just slowly learning to not react on everything anymore. Choosing what gets my energy, & what passes me by. Isolation has made this a lot easier than before. Lol)

• The more I learn, the more I realise how damn much there is to realise. Things we take for granted. Things that's been forgotten. How short our lives are, and how blessed I am for finding my way towards inner healing, in time. 

I change, every day.

Nice to meet you again 🌸