April 4th

Ah... April is here. Springtimes.

The weather has been a bit cloudy lately, but it's okay. I'm enjoying every second of  the cold seasons, knowing that appreciation will make the warm ones even better. So many people in hurry for summer, forgetting to breathe in the seasons in between. Malta's got loads of summer to come anyway. I'm not in a hurry.

And life? How do I feel? 
Life feels unexpectedly... good. For now. Sure, I still have the daily anxiety to deal with, but then; who doesn't? The level of anxieties may vary, but I understand that the reasons may not be really that usual in my case though. I've broken it down to 2 main worries for now:

1) I can't sleep because I can't stop fantasizing about the roof crumbling down on me. Literally.
2) I'm sickly worried for my future, and the fact that I'll never know how things turns out. The uncertainty of the unknown, with an exceptionally cynical mind you may call it. 

However bad my anxieties may be from day to day, I'm still reminded daily of the small beauties in life. The sun saying hi in between the clouds. The sea glittering in my eyes. My lovely new flat where I've finally found a home. Random bumps of happiness coming my way. They keep me smiling, and my heart from turning to stone. 

So, life is good now. I’ve got a beautiful home. I eat a lot of good food every day. I spend a lot of time outdoors, chatting with friends or drinking coffee in the sun. I just filled my flat with green plants. My anxieties can go fuck themselves. 

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Let it sink in

Don’t blame the clown for acting like a clown
Ask yourself why you keep going back to the circus


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Next stage in the journey to become a butterfly

There comes a point in life when you just want to do better for yourself. 

For me, this happened on so many levels, just over a day; I suddenly wanted to keep myself in better physical health, and I also got fed up with this mindless, daily alcoholic socialisation. And with that, stopped smoking, as I’ve never really been a smoker without a drink in my hand. Suddenly, there’s so much extra time.

The strange part is that it hasn’t been difficult at all. It all came to me very naturally, by just being... fed up. Fed up of going out most nights of the week. Fed up of spending many of my free hours recovering. Fed up of being ashamed of going too crazy. Fed up speaking to the endless stream of people whom probably won’t bring more than one nights joy to my life. Fed up of not developing any other part of myself than my social network. I guess that hopeless december of life-anxiety and hormone swings did something magical. Maybe that Christmas fever was my toe-dip in hell in order to enter my next phase in life?

With all the extra time that I’ve got nowadays, I try to focus on things that I’ve always liked, but had fallen behind with amongst my priorities. So far, this stretches over 2 main topics (on top of my daily cooking & baking);

1) I’ve always been a very energetic person. Contortion, gymnastics, ballet and acrobatics has always been a huge interest of mine. As circus arts and gymnastics require more specific training halls than what I can find in Malta, yoga has been the go-to, as one can do it in any peaceful spot. Combine it with some nature and boom! Stretch and balance is back in my life. Mind you, as an ex-gymnast, I’m not sure if I’ll ever reach into the peaceful, yogi nirvana mindset. But that’s okay as long as my body agrees to bend into strange positions.

2) Another huge deal I’ve slowly gotten back to, is my arts. I’ve never seriously tried drawing with colours, and yet here I am, experimenting with brushes and acrylics and colour pencils. It’s sure as hell isn’t as easy as it was 10 years ago, but I understand that I’ll have to grind through it before it starts flowing. I did neglect it fo so long. It’s still going very slowly, but I’ll give myself that. I just hope it’s not too late for me to create art I’m satisfied with. Time will tell.

With all of this said, I’ve entered the new phase. I’m just 26, but I already feel middle-aged? 

My focus, at least right now, is finding a place where I can finally make my own home, self-care and self development. Mind you, I’m still allowing myself to go out every now and then. 2 evenings a week is okay (and a huge improvement), if the occasion is calling. Just not.... 6 days a week, every week, as it’s been the last 7 years. 

My body is thanking me with a better mood & general well-feeling (even tho sleeping might be difficult because I stopped numbing my brain with alcohol. So much clear thoughts running through my brain, making it impossible to fall asleep). But... Babysteps. I’m better. 

Phew. Finally grew a bit more. Just took me long enough.

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The year of love

2018. The year spoken in the name of love. 
It wasn’t the best of years, but it was hellofalot better than 2017. 

While still sharing bed with my ex (we still shared for 7 months after breakup), I met Vicky. Who was so wrong for me, but whom I just couldn’t stay away from. The main part of the first third of the year was just struggling about getting his love, affection, attention or whatever. He had his own deep insecurities, but I needed him more than what he could give. I was completely and utterly devastated that he wouldn’t let me into his heart. It was like being heartbroken by the person you’d sleep next to every night. So close, but soul-crushingly far away. I cried most of the nights. 

Thinking about it, that had been my life since May 2017. 
Being heartbroken by the person next to you. No wonder I’m a trainwreck. 

This progressed even through the meeting of Simon. Simon just stumbled randomly into my life a day before I left Malta to work season in Norway. While Vicky wouldn’t write to me after we had our first cyber-fight, Simon kept me company on Skype. I didn’t hear anything from Vicky during those two months I spent in Norway. I spoke with Simon every evening. Our conversations were so fluent. My heart started shifting. 

And then I was back in Malta. In the end, Vicky hadn’t written, so I felt like he wasn’t available after a summer away. I was also pissed off, as I thought that we would continue whatever relationship we had when I got back. So I turned to Simon, who offered me an extra bed and warm hugs. UnderstandingAnd too much love from his side than he should, as I was still considering myself to be with Vicky. Even after not chatting for two months. I pushed myself down a lot, excusing Vicky’s lack of affection as introvertedness. For too long I guess. I’d cut my legs in a cry for his attention when I was lost in despair. Twice.

August to December has been a struggle in between them both. I’ve fought so hard for being with Vicky, that it makes it hard to just let it go. So much energy and tears spent to make that relationship work. But being with Simon just brings me happiness, laughter and understanding. He actually tries to bend for my sake. Which is all I’ve ever wanted from Vicky. To feel fought for. To feel prioritised. To feel that I actually mean something for the person that I care about. 

Vicky has been my drug this year. Something that I really really wanted and couldn’t stop, but which just wasn’t good for me. We were never a good match, but I sure tried to the brink of my own destruction to make it work. I loved him with my broken heart, while all logic screamed against it. I do miss him a lot. I want us to be able to hang out casually. I still want him to be some part of my life. But we haven’t met lately, mainly because of Simon’s own insecurities about our relationship.

Simon. In a kind of way, he saved me. He fed my broken soul warmth, and made me feel loved. We still live together now, since that day in August I arrived in Malta with no idea of if I would stay at Vicky’s or not. Simon, my lover and my absolute best friend. 

I don’t know how long we’re gonna continue hanging out for. We have our problems, and I feel that he’s become too dependent on me for his own happiness. But I’m eternally grateful for him picking up my pieces along the way. For still wanting to be there for me, through this whole circus. This unconditional love is something I never thought I would feel this year. 

But it’s still here. 
And it’s still growing.

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New year, new me?

Well hi there. It’s been a while. 

To start with, I haven’t really been myself for the last couple of months. My routines and general well-being has changed. Unfortunately, not to the better. Which is strange seeing that I’ve finally met someone that’s really good for me. I’m now spending most of my time together with someone who really really adores and respect me as an emotional being. And who loves me unconditionally. 

Just this alone should be enough, right? 

Lately, I’ve felt this illogical tiredness weighing me down to the point that all I want to do is to just sleep all of my life away. Nothing is fun anymore, and I can’t bring myself to get anything done. This tiredness just hit me in the face this autumn 2018. Out of nowhere. Which makes me panic inside, as I’ve been this super productive workaholic for all of my adult years. What happened to getting things done, all the time? Surely, relaxing is good, but going from super-productivity to sleeping 12h every day, that’s just not okay. I need to find a way out of this. 

I have my theory about the implant in my arm malfunctioning. Which I strongly believe in. You see, I’ve got this P-rod stuck in my arm since 2011, which sends out hormones and basically stops my menstruation and ability to get pregnant. Basically, I haven’t had period in 8 years. Then, this autumn, I suddenly notice some tiny bleedings. Nothing to worry about, I thought. A bad case of influenza followed, killed my immune system and I slowly notice myself getting more and more demotivated, starting to sleep more, starting to crave foods that I normally don’t crave and now I’m so far gone in this that I’ve kind of lost hope, I’m overthinking every normal aspect of life and panics about elderdom and I’m more and more consumed by paralysing anxiety for each day I decide to stay in bed because I can’t face the pain of being conscious.

I still have a part-time job to go to, but I don’t think it’s enough. As I’m so used to being a workaholic, I might need to find something that keeps me more busy from my demons. Which is really hard now that I’m stuck with whatever this tiredness am. Whatever’s wrong with the hormones that my p-rod is sending out, I need to find my way back to productivity. I can’t count on getting this fixed even when I change the implant. It might not. 

So far, the only hopes I have of 2019, is to get back on track. Find my way back to being happy with little. Seeing beauty in the small things around me. Find hope, and my will to live again. And to stop sleeping 12 fucking hours a day. 


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Spent most of the year drinking happy hour cocktails at 
The Black Sheep in Sliema, my second home during 2018

Morning commute

As most Monday mornings, I was on my way to work. And as most people living in Malta knows, the public transport here sucks total balls. Spent way to many minutes in frustration before I saw the holy saviour, the messiah, the ferry close into shore. Needless to say, I gave the bus the finger and jumped on.

And there I was, with the wind in my hair and the sun warming my skin and the Mediterranean Sea glittering at me. I felt so lucky. I mean, it’s 8:30am and I’m on a boat on my way to work? Sure, I’m an super anxious person but how could I not feel these huge waves of gratitude?! I might have my problems, but I’m constantly trying to remind myself of what a beautiful life I have. Really fucking painful, yes, but beautiful. I don’t take the sun, the sea and the blue skies for granted. I’m lucky to have this around me, and I think more people have to stop up and remember that.

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Care, don't care

Apparently, I'm doing quite a good job looking like I don't care about anything. It's just out out out, drink drink drink, laugh laugh laugh. Don't get me wrong. I love it. Mindless socialisation is by far the funniest hobby I have. I'm just a bit... excessive with it.

I just wish it was true. That I don't care about anything.

I know I'm an emotional hurricane, and I realize that I might be way to much, way to fast and way to intense for most people. Not being able to fully express it is killing me. I'm imploding, heart breaking all over and over and over again. The future might prove me wrong, but so far, the agony versus the love I've felt isn't even. My heart's been breaking as far back as I can remember. No love is worth this. I wish I could stop caring about anyone, anything at all
 
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One side of the narrow mind of scandies


It might just be me, but I noticed a pretty big social difference while in Sweden. The meeting of people, especially strangers, seems to be more focused on dating and/or sex, there's more backthought between each planned encounter than it seems to be in the Mediterranean. Down here, a bigger percentage of people meet up without reason really, guy plus girl does not automatically mean date, which of course doesn't include all of the cases in Sweden, but from my experiences.... the general. I don't know. I might be wrong. Just random thoughts on the airplane.


30 Dec 2017

Irony. It's a beautiful Friday, I'm off from work, and the sun is warming my skin through the window. The skies are clearly blue, but so am I. Why the polar opposites? Why can't I find motivation to go out and enjoy this perfect day? I'm even off work, on a Friday! (Which is rare). The only tunes I can bring myself to hear is Daughters pained sounds. They ache in rythm with my heartbeats.


Sigh... the dark force is clearly strong in this one... I would love these feelings to go from my fingers, through a pen and onto a paper, but it feels like I've long lost the ability to draw. Why this.....why so heavy and blue.....why anything.... breathe



Boom festival 2016

Boom was beautiful. I'm so happy that I didn't skip it as firstly planned.

The Portuguese weather was quite bipolar. Felt like 50+ degrees during the day, and -10 at night. I didn't bring a tent, but decided to sleep a bit of everywhere, which was one of he best festival decisions I've ever made. Sleeping around strangers on a soft floor. So much more time to connect with people. Oh, what connections.

So much emotions. My soul was swimming in a sea of intense feelings from beginning to end. I met best friends, lovers, and everything in between. The borders between them all blurred out, and all there was left was pure emotions. I don't even care to label them. Who cares anyway? I don't need labels right now. Love is love, and 'what kind' shouldn't matter.

The only thing that matters is the memories of the slowly fading feelings. They will all turn into something else for the time being. Until we all meet again. Then they'll bloom back, like a flower garden in spring <3


Fancy lunch

Seafood platter with ponzu oysters, pickled baby octopus and wasabi calamari rings, followed by crispy skin ocean trout with scallop, mussle and prawn tomato ragu. It costs to eat good...






life

Breathing is heavy nowadays



Ache. Sorry guys

I should update about my travels, but at the moment it's all about emotions again. Please look away if you want to hear about my adventures, here's nothing to find. Wait for next update.

Back to heartache. I've been trying to sleep for a couple of hours, turning and twisting, but the only thing I can see when I close my eyes is.... Jakob. And it hurts.

When I close my eyes, I find myself fantasizing about his life now. What's he's doing. How he's feeling. I wonder about everything. It's stupid. I traveled to the other side of the world to get away, yet I can't sleep because I see his face whenever I close my eyes. Hope he's doing alright. I know he is. I just wish I could aswell.

I'm having a good time here, I'm enjoying friends and nice scenery. But a part of me is missing. And I can't think it away. I should stop bitch about a lost love. It's part of life for fucks sake.

It's 04.10, and I'm sitting at the rooftop of the hostel, chain smoking. 
Missing, and trying to get myself together to fucking sleep. Knowing how ridiculous this is, I'm on the other side of the world goddamnit, and he doesn't give a shit about you, neither should I! Fuck

I miss him. I miss you so much. 
End of story 







Kitteh


Brought home two kittens (females) today - a lovely start on the new year. They are around 5 months old and so cute! They're still shy and unsecure when we try to approach them, but they've still been running around in the house more than I expected. I thought they would spend at least a couple of days under the couch at first..

Haven't decided names yet, but since I love greek mythology names I will fight my boyfriend to name
them something greek :) I like Kirke and Klio, but my man isn't really into names as those like me...

Haven't got any good pictures of them yet, they never stay still!





Cat, watch out. Your firstplace is threatened

I've found a rival to Cat for the ''hottest person in the world, Tanu's list''. I've known about
this person for a looong time, he's a gay character in my favourite series Skins, but I've
never actually thought of how hot he is. Until now.... SHITMYGOD how could I miss this?

OMGGGGGG. I'm getting shivers all over my body. Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Maxxie
Maxxie Maxxie (or well, his real name it Mitch Hewer, and he lives in UK ♥)



Omg, HOLY MOTHER OF MOZART, MHM, I'M LOOOOSING IT! It's absolutely amazing how
two people can create something that goes beyond perfection like this!! PPPPRRRRR AAAHHH ♥ 



New corset and graduation

It's been a while since I last wrote here. Right now, I just wanted to show my new corset I bought
of Ellem. It's lovely, maybe some inches too big, but I guess I'll just have to gain some weight then :P

The graduation is running towards me and I don't feel ready for it at all! What the hell am I suppposed to do afterwards? Ok, I have plans for the coming summer and autumn, but after that? I finally understood that I don't want to work in a restaurant kitchen, wich is quite funny because I now graduate after three years in a restaurant school XD

I don't regret anything though. Theese years in school have been fun, and I've learned a lot about
thing's I'm actually intrested in. I doubt that any other school would fit me more than this ♥



I admit, it's a crappy pic but what the hell. It's my friends phone camera

Todays cravings

Omg. I just MUST have this. Omg. Drooool. Not the best picture,
but this is a reminder for myself. Dear dress, please wait for me


New shoes, aaaaahhhh ♥

I'm very off, I know. I just wanted to show you what shoes I just ordered from the net :)
They're not special in any way, but I think they're perfect to survive the festival summer 2011 in

I think my little sister has/had the same shoes.. But well, that's only good, cause now I wont take hers! And yeah, I have plans on changing my header (or maybe design overall?). Don't really like the one I have now, It's so.. boring.


Liten pojke på bussen ♥

Alldeles varm om hjärtat, igen.


I förrgår såg jag en liten pojke i halmhatt sittandes snett framför mig på bussen, och precis innan jag steg av lade jag en lapp i hans knä där det stod ''du är söt:)''. Ikväll såg jag honom igen, och jag kände mig bara tvungen att göra en till lapp åt honom. Såg honom redan på tunnelbanan mot Alvik, och jovisst skulle han med samma buss som vi skulle ha tagit hem om vi inte åkt taxi. Så jag förberedde en liten lapp åt honom på tunnelbanan och höll den i handen till sista sekund innan vi hoppade in i taxin då jag sprang fram till honom och lämnade lappen, nu i hans händer. Såg aldrig hans ansiktsuttryck, men jag hoppas att han blev glad. Han såg så ensam och gullig ut där han satt med 23 minuter kvar till bussen, så kan man verkligen låta bli ?


Åh. Ihp vad varm jag blir runt hjärtat, även om det gjorde Alfie sur. Det var det värt. Åh ♥


 

Lyckades ta en smygbild av honom på tunnelbanan, haha. Vet inte om jag bara är full eller känner mig
gullig (var full även första gången jag lade en lapp i hans knä), men jag är varm om hjärtat iallafall

 

 


Sjuk pojke på kryckor

Ligger just nu med Alfie bredvid mig, han andas tungt och stönar till och från av smärta. Något fel på hans fot sen glasrutorna han sparkade in för två veckor sen, har dock inte en aning om det kan vara glasbitar eler något annat. Hela foten ser i vilket fall inflammerad ut, och Alfie nojar över att vävnaden börjat dö så han får amputera foten haha ..

Kanske lite mindre 'haha'om han verkligen behöver göra det ..


Har mycket mer att skriva om, men med tanke på att Alfie ska med bussen 08.00 (om han är
tillräckligt frisk) så borde jag verkligen sova. Fler bilder på teckningar, mer info och mer knark till världen

Bla annat att jag fått ett 'pris'!

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