April 8th 2023
Here I am again.
I'm 10 days til' due date, marriage soon ahead, and wondering what we have been reduced to.
Simon's been off weed for 2 weeks or something. I haven't seen him smile for a while, and I haven't felt any caressing love towards me during this time either. He's heads up in dark clouds ever since I told him that he can't have more until his deadline. A deadline I'm only witholding because of a Easter surprise I've planned. A happy surprise I was excited for, hiding weed eggs for him to find.
His mood now is ruining any vibe I had whatsoever, and unfortunately also reducing us. Our relationship. For every day that goes by with him acting like a zombie, the more I realise that this is not a battle I will ever win. He will always choose me over the weed, but only because it's logically the right thing to do - not because his heart wants to.
This week has shown me that I'm not enough to make him happy. Only weed can apparently do that.
While I didn't marry out of love, rather out of bureaucratic convenience, having a failed marriage before it even legally started does pinch. However, I will not let this stop me from being the best mother I can for this family.
I commit to be the absolute best me, and to put my petty feelings aside. I will act in this family's best interests to move forward. I will carry the whole load on my shoulders. I will be supermom.
But the notion of Simon as the man I am with for the rest of my life, is fading. Because why should I settle with someone that can't love me without weed. Why should I have to make sacrifices if he's not willing to himself.
Why should I carry the weight of feeling unloved.
Don't get me wrong. He is the best daddy I could ever ask for. But his mood this past week has made me lose both love & respect in our relationship. Weed should be a treat, not a necessity.
If this is going to be a thing every time he's out, I'll just keep losing. If we ever manage to drift apart that much ...
I'll just have to see however the puzzles will fit if we ever get to that stage. But one thing's for sure. I will sacrifice all of myself, and never let my feelings or pettiness get in the way for our children's happiness.
Even if that means that I can't have full happiness myself.
Butterflies • Tue 12 July 2022
I can't sleep.
It's 4am on a Tuesday morning, and the Scandinavian sun is already brightening the skies.
Beside me lies my beautiful daughter, and on the floor on a mattress lies my man. Back problems from the bed. Understandable, yet slightly tragic, especially considering that we've had issues with being intimate for a long time now.
My head is spinning. Thought after thought is flooding through my mind, creating this insomnia. I can't help but fantasizing about what's out there.
Wondering what we have been reduced to.
I feel safe and secure in this relationship, yet I don't want to imagine a life without those butterflies in my stomach. The ones that comes with first time sparks.
I feel confused.
Here I am, trying to squeeze myself into a societal norm. Not for myself - but in respect of my man. For my family. For the amazing team we actually are, even though my chest longs for excitement and butterflies.
For some things, it's worth compromising oneself, I guess. We all have to decide what's important to us.
These butterflies will keep coming and going, but my family will always be there. So here I am. Allowing myself to feel my feelings & fantasize, but containing my butterflies. Feeling conflicted.
Because in the end
Our hearts are wild things.
That's why our ribs are cages ..
Ghosts from the past
I had one of those dreams which ended by slowly fading out towards reality through my fingers, again. In the dream, I smoked a psychedelic cigar, and exactly as one would enter the psychedelic realm on reality, DMT to be exact, I went from dream to waking up.
I dreamt of abandonment, and about the type of desperate pain I've felt throughout my whole life.
Recurring in my dream was also an ex of mine. The one whose breakup damaged me beyond words. Not because he was "the one", but because I was still in the peak of being broken without having found solutions yet. Desperately clinging onto a sinking ship, because I didn't know any better. It must have been a truly traumatic experience, as I'm here 8 years later, feeling heartbroken over briefly have seen him in a dream.
We all have unsolved past ghosts that occasionally comes back to haunt us. It's impossible to sort out all regrets we've created when young & ignorant. I buried the whole JJ experience so deep inside of me that I forgot about it, and found a life past the pain in the meanwhile.
There is still a lot I want to apologize to him for, but probably won't ever get the chance to. Our breakup was still, to this day, one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, and I screwed it up beyond words by being so desperately in pain. I can't see how I'll ever get the chance to express my remorse to him. Not for his sake really - but to bring closure to my case. Himself, has probably just brushed off the whole thing as another failed relationship in the past.
So here I am, 8 years later, with a wonderful life, building my family and an ever growing happiness & understanding of my own emotions, feeling those familiar waves of heartache again. Pain from the past visiting my chest, reminding me to really take care of every happy moment and person I love in this world. Before our time is over.
Before it's too late to apologize, and to have that ghost called JJ buried deep down inside of me, in a dark but never forgotten place of my soul.
Slowly aching and bleeding, probably forever.
Thoughts of the past - 22 May 2020
I saw a bus going to the outer parts of Malta today, and got reminded of that time me and Jakob catched a bus out to nowhere and hiked around.
For those who doesn't know, Jakob was my boyfriend between 2012-2014. It was a relationship the wrecked up, still in pieces-me completely ruined, and when he finally broke up, my whole soul was scattered like it had never been before. I stopped eating, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying, started having sleep paralysis hallucinations and even moved to far far away to Australia. Even 2 months of backpacking throughout Asia didn't ease the pain. I was still in complete agony, crying in every damn hostel room, and there was no way out.
To this day, it still counts as one of the most painful things I've been through. Counting my broken childhood, that's pretty hardcore. It's silly right? That such a normal thing like heartbreak could surpass other issues from a broken upbringing. It's all connected, of course.
I was in agony for a full year. That's crazy! One full year of complete despair. Had I not been used to this from young age, I would never had survived this. And suddenly, there was another one. Pontus. The best guy ever, the one that got away. We fell in love, and I ruined that too.
Now that I'm a bit more in peace with myself, I realise what an absolute pain I've been. All those sharp, broken pieces inside of me has been sticking out, hurting everyone that has tried to love me. The thought that one can be such a horrible human being without realising it is terrifying. I thought I was alright. Looking back now, I wasn't.
The regret I feel when thinking back on all of those people I've hurt so bad, is immense. I feel it throughout my whole soul, and I am truly truly sorry.
I've had the opportunity to express my remorse to some, but to others, I will always remain the one that broke their trust and hearts. Maybe one day I'll get to make it up to them. But so far, nothing makes me sadder than knowing that.
13th January 2020 - The day I closed the chapter named Viktor
We met December 2017. It’s been 3 long & distressful years, filled with despair and heartache.
While I’m sure that the love I felt, and the lack of acknowledgement of it, was the foundation of the heartache, I’m also sure that this was a certain hell I had to walk through in order to emerge as I’ve done today. So much pain caused by too
much inheld love, freed by an amazing chance named Simon, that thanks to his unconditional love made me realise that I can love myself. And with that, the emotional realisation that I don’t need anyone to make me whole. That I am whole. And
that I could be happy if I only made peace with my mind. That mind, so toxic and full of self loathing, like dark clouds formed from childhood, that’d clinged to anyone coming close.
But us, Viktor.
We sure had love, but in very different ways. I loved you too much, too fast, and when you were finally ready to admit your own feelings, I had been starved to the point of desperation. What did it take for you, 2 years already separated, when
you mustered the power to say that you loved me? That short time we lived together, I had even start to hurt myself again, in the abscence of answers. The last time I cut myself was at age 25.
You and I met Simon almost the same time. One day in between. Simon had no clue about us, but decided that I was his love at first sight. I had no eyes on anyone else than you, Viktor. But I was starved, and I needed love. One way to put it,
I was an easy, fragile victim for the unconditional love that Simon threw at me from the beginning. So there I was, caught in the storm of meeting the person that would give me all and more love than I’ve ever experienced, and you.
It’s been hell of a ride, these 3 years. I’ve been torn and twisted in between someone that’s willing to do literally anything for me, and you, whom my soul have fought so hard for. The excruciating pain of loving you made me hold on longer. I had Simon,
and hurt him along the way. I still couldn’t get rid of the feeling that deep down inside, a part of my heart, will always have loved you.
But with time, came answers. I’ve slowly started to heal. And through those cracked, but healing lenses, I’ve slowly realised a lot of things. And one of them, is that I am happy with Simon, however much I tell myself that I can’t ignore the love I felt for
you. He is my best friend. He makes me laugh, every single day. He actively refuses to leave my side (we actually had lots of fights about this). We are happy together, and I’d be a fool to not acknowledge the self-healing he’s helped me through.
It took me 2 years to muster the strength to decide that we have to be over. Took me additional 2 months to grow the balls to set up our last meeting.
While some might wonder why I needed to meet to fully separate, I needed a proper farewell. I needed to spill the contents of my heart out, and make sure that I had nothing unsaid that would come back and haunt me. It was also incredibly
important to me to express the gratefulness I feel for the time we’ve spent together. What happened between us was no one’s fault. We were just not synced very well. A sad case of bad timing, that to this day count as one of my biggest life
lessons.
I maybe had to scar the most, right before I could heal. And in spite of these events, I am eternally grateful for meeting you. You taught me a lot through pain. The lucky chance that Simon came along is also an incredible stroke of luck. Without
the combination of both of you, I would maybe be stuck with my toxic self. I wouldn’t have learnt to heal on the inside. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
So thank you, Viktor. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your love. I am sure that it was hard and painful for you too, and I’m sorry for being part of it. I can only hope that you’ll walk away from this with a new set of eyes on life,
and with cherished memories of the good times we had. Thanks for meeting me for the last time, and for showing that the appreciation of what was us is there. Thanks for letting me cry about us, and comforting me about it. Our chapter is now closed,
and I’m happy to be able to look back at this as something that started out dark, but ended up beautiful. The power of a proper farewell, and a chance to show that I’m grateful.
Thank you, always 💜
22 November 2019
"And when she finally found out what she wants and why she's been suffering from guilt because she never belonged together with the usual society's views of a relationship, she meets someone who will love her more than anything in the world. Although she
was clear from the beginning about her new-found understanding and comfort of herself, his love did not regard that, and now they created something that's so wildly beautiful, but that is suffocating them both"
Love struggles
My life has mostly been spent in darkness. The road out from self pity and hatred towards oneself has been long, but with one push from the last abusive relationship, I’ve managed to emerge grandly. Finally being able to bloom as the individual
I am. Which is great for me.
But
I have fought SO hard to accept the person I am, with all my flaws that I’ve blamed myself for having my whole life. And when I finally reach that goal, when I finally accept myself for now knowing what I want, I also have to come to the understanding
that by being myself, I am now hurting the one I hold dear. As we wish different things. As I’m now true to my wants.
So, it’s either hurting him by staying true to myself, or letting go of all work I’ve done to become comfortable with my different lifeviews, and start all over again. For his sake.
A relationship is surely about compromise, but the edge is clear at this point.
It’s him or me, and I don’t know what to do.
April 4th
Ah... April is here. Springtimes.
The weather has been a bit cloudy lately, but it's okay. I'm enjoying every second of the cold seasons, knowing that appreciation will make the warm ones even better. So many people in hurry for summer, forgetting to breathe in the seasons in between.
Malta's got loads of summer to come anyway. I'm not in a hurry.
And life? How do I feel?
Life feels unexpectedly... good. For now. Sure, I still have the daily anxiety to deal with, but then; who doesn't? The level of anxieties may vary, but I understand that the reasons may not be really that usual in my case though. I've broken it down
to 2 main worries for now:
1) I can't sleep because I can't stop fantasizing about the roof crumbling down on me. Literally.
2) I'm sickly worried for my future, and the fact that I'll never know how things turns out. The uncertainty of the unknown, with an exceptionally cynical mind you may call it.
However bad my anxieties may be from day to day, I'm still reminded daily of the small beauties in life. The sun saying hi in between the clouds. The sea glittering in my eyes. My lovely new flat where I've finally found a home. Random bumps of happiness
coming my way. They keep me smiling, and my heart from turning to stone.
So, life is good now. I’ve got a beautiful home. I eat a lot of good food every day. I spend a lot of time outdoors, chatting with friends or drinking coffee in the sun. I just filled my flat with green plants. My anxieties can go fuck themselves.
Let it sink in
Don’t blame the clown for acting like a clown
Ask yourself why you keep going back to the circus
Next stage in the journey to become a butterfly
There comes a point in life when you just want to do better for yourself.
For me, this happened on so many levels, just over a day; I suddenly wanted to keep myself in better physical health, and I also got fed up with this mindless, daily alcoholic socialisation. And with that, stopped smoking, as I’ve never
really been a smoker without a drink in my hand. Suddenly, there’s so much extra time.
The strange part is that it hasn’t been difficult at all. It all came to me very naturally, by just being... fed up. Fed up of going out most nights of the week. Fed up of spending many of my free hours recovering. Fed up of being ashamed
of going too crazy. Fed up speaking to the endless stream of people whom probably won’t bring more than one nights joy to my life. Fed up of not developing any other part of myself than my social network. I guess that hopeless december of
life-anxiety and hormone swings did something magical. Maybe that Christmas fever was my toe-dip in hell in order to enter my next phase in life?
With all the extra time that I’ve got nowadays, I try to focus on things that I’ve always liked, but had fallen behind with amongst my priorities. So far, this stretches over 2 main topics (on top of my daily cooking & baking);
1) I’ve always been a very energetic person. Contortion, gymnastics, ballet and acrobatics has always been a huge interest of mine. As circus arts and gymnastics require more specific training halls than what I can find in Malta, yoga has been
the go-to, as one can do it in any peaceful spot. Combine it with some nature and boom! Stretch and balance is back in my life. Mind you, as an ex-gymnast, I’m not sure if I’ll ever reach into the peaceful, yogi nirvana mindset. But
that’s okay as long as my body agrees to bend into strange positions.
2) Another huge deal I’ve slowly gotten back to, is my arts. I’ve never seriously tried drawing with colours, and yet here I am, experimenting with brushes and acrylics and colour pencils. It’s sure as hell isn’t as easy as it
was 10 years ago, but I understand that I’ll have to grind through it before it starts flowing. I did neglect it fo so long. It’s still going very slowly, but I’ll give myself that. I just hope it’s not too late for me to create art
I’m satisfied with. Time will tell.
With all of this said, I’ve entered the new phase. I’m just 26, but I already feel middle-aged?
My focus, at least right now, is finding a place where I can finally make my own home, self-care and self development. Mind you, I’m still allowing myself to go out every now and then. 2 evenings a week is okay (and a huge improvement), if
the occasion is calling. Just not.... 6 days a week, every week, as it’s been the last 7 years.
My body is thanking me with a better mood & general well-feeling (even tho sleeping might be difficult because I stopped numbing my brain with alcohol. So much clear thoughts running through my brain, making it impossible to fall asleep). But... Babysteps. I’m better.
Phew. Finally grew a bit more. Just took me long enough.
The year of love
2018. The year spoken in the name of love.
It wasn’t the best of years, but it was hellofalot better than 2017.
While still sharing bed with my ex (we still shared for 7 months after breakup), I met Vicky. Who was so wrong for me, but whom I just couldn’t stay away from. The main part of the first third of the year
was just struggling about getting his love, affection, attention or whatever. He had his own deep insecurities, but I needed him more than what he could give. I was completely and utterly devastated that he wouldn’t let me into his heart.
It was like being heartbroken by the person you’d sleep next to every night. So close, but soul-crushingly far away. I cried most of the nights.
Thinking about it, that had been my life since May 2017.
Being heartbroken by the person next to you. No wonder I’m a trainwreck.
This progressed even through the meeting of Simon. Simon just stumbled randomly into my life a day before I left Malta to work season in Norway. While Vicky wouldn’t write to me after we had our first cyber-fight, Simon kept me company
on Skype. I didn’t hear anything from Vicky during those two months I spent in Norway. I spoke with Simon every evening. Our conversations were so fluent. My heart started shifting.
And then I was back in Malta. In the end, Vicky hadn’t written, so I felt like he wasn’t available after a summer away. I was also pissed off, as I thought that we would continue whatever relationship we had when I got back. So I
turned to Simon, who offered me an extra bed and warm hugs. Understanding. And too much love from his side than he should, as I was still considering myself to be with Vicky. Even after not chatting for two months. I pushed
myself down a lot, excusing Vicky’s lack of affection as introvertedness. For too long I guess. I’d cut my legs in a cry for his attention when I was lost in despair. Twice.
August to December has been a struggle in between them both. I’ve fought so hard for being with Vicky, that it makes it hard to just let it go. So much energy and tears spent to make that relationship work. But being with
Simon just brings me happiness, laughter and understanding. He actually tries to bend for my sake. Which is all I’ve ever wanted from Vicky. To feel fought for. To feel prioritised. To feel that I actually mean something for the person that
I care about.
Vicky has been my drug this year. Something that I really really wanted and couldn’t stop, but which just wasn’t good for me. We were never a good match, but I sure tried to the brink of my own destruction to make it work. I loved him with
my broken heart, while all logic screamed against it. I do miss him a lot. I want us to be able to hang out casually. I still want him to be some part of my life. But we haven’t met lately, mainly because of Simon’s own
insecurities about our relationship.
Simon. In a kind of way, he saved me. He fed my broken soul warmth, and made me feel loved. We still live together now, since that day in August I arrived in Malta with no idea of if I would stay at Vicky’s or not. Simon, my lover and my absolute
best friend.
I don’t know how long we’re gonna continue hanging out for. We have our problems, and I feel that he’s become too dependent on me for his own happiness. But I’m eternally grateful for him picking up my pieces along the way. For still wanting
to be there for me, through this whole circus. This unconditional love is something I never thought I would feel this year.
But it’s still here.
And it’s still growing.
New year, new me?
Well hi there. It’s been a while.
To start with, I haven’t really been myself for the last couple of months. My routines and general well-being has changed. Unfortunately, not to the better. Which is strange seeing that I’ve finally met someone that’s really good for me. I’m
now spending most of my time together with someone who really really adores and respect me as an emotional being. And who loves me unconditionally.
Just this alone should be enough, right?
Lately, I’ve felt this illogical tiredness weighing me down to the point that all I want to do is to just sleep all of my life away. Nothing is fun anymore, and I can’t bring myself to get anything done. This tiredness just hit me in the face this autumn
2018. Out of nowhere. Which makes me panic inside, as I’ve been this super productive workaholic for all of my adult years. What happened to getting things done, all the time? Surely, relaxing is good, but going from super-productivity to
sleeping 12h every day, that’s just not okay. I need to find a way out of this.
I have my theory about the implant in my arm malfunctioning. Which I strongly believe in. You see, I’ve got this P-rod stuck in my arm since 2011, which sends out hormones and basically stops my menstruation and ability to get pregnant. Basically, I haven’t had
period in 8 years. Then, this autumn, I suddenly notice some tiny bleedings. Nothing to worry about, I thought. A bad case of influenza followed, killed my immune system and I slowly notice myself getting more and more
demotivated, starting to sleep more, starting to crave foods that I normally don’t crave and now I’m so far gone in this that I’ve kind of lost hope, I’m overthinking every normal aspect of life and panics about elderdom and I’m more and more consumed by paralysing
anxiety for each day I decide to stay in bed because I can’t face the pain of being conscious.
I still have a part-time job to go to, but I don’t think it’s enough. As I’m so used to being a workaholic, I might need to find something that keeps me more busy from my demons. Which is really hard now that I’m stuck with whatever this
tiredness am. Whatever’s wrong with the hormones that my p-rod is sending out, I need to find my way back to productivity. I can’t count on getting this fixed even when I change the implant. It might not.
So far, the only hopes I have of 2019, is to get back on track. Find my way back to being happy with little. Seeing beauty in the small things around me. Find hope, and my will to live again. And to stop sleeping 12 fucking
hours a day.
Spent most of the year drinking happy hour cocktails at
The Black Sheep in Sliema, my second home during 2018
Morning commute
As most Monday mornings, I was on my way to work. And as most people living in Malta knows, the public transport here sucks total balls. Spent way to many minutes in frustration before I saw the holy saviour, the messiah, the ferry close into
shore. Needless to say, I gave the bus the finger and jumped on.
And there I was, with the wind in my hair and the sun warming my skin and the Mediterranean Sea glittering at me. I felt so lucky. I mean, it’s 8:30am and I’m on a boat on my way to work? Sure, I’m an super anxious person but how could I not feel these
huge waves of gratitude?! I might have my problems, but I’m constantly trying to remind myself of what a beautiful life I have. Really fucking painful, yes, but beautiful. I don’t take the sun, the sea and the blue skies for granted. I’m lucky to
have this around me, and I think more people have to stop up and remember that.
Care, don't care
Apparently, I'm doing quite a good job looking like I don't care about anything. It's just out out out, drink drink drink, laugh laugh laugh. Don't get me wrong. I love it. Mindless socialisation is by far the funniest hobby I have. I'm just a bit... excessive with it.
I just wish it was true. That I don't care about anything.
I know I'm an emotional hurricane, and I realize that I might be way to much, way to fast and way to intense for most people. Not being able to fully express it is killing me. I'm imploding, heart breaking all over and over and over again. The future might prove me wrong, but so far, the agony versus the love I've felt isn't even. My heart's been breaking as far back as I can remember. No love is worth this. I wish I could stop caring about anyone, anything at all
I just wish it was true. That I don't care about anything.
I know I'm an emotional hurricane, and I realize that I might be way to much, way to fast and way to intense for most people. Not being able to fully express it is killing me. I'm imploding, heart breaking all over and over and over again. The future might prove me wrong, but so far, the agony versus the love I've felt isn't even. My heart's been breaking as far back as I can remember. No love is worth this. I wish I could stop caring about anyone, anything at all
One side of the narrow mind of scandies
It might just be me, but I noticed a pretty big social difference while in Sweden. The meeting of people, especially strangers, seems to be more focused on dating and/or sex, there's more backthought between each planned encounter than it seems to be in the Mediterranean. Down here, a bigger percentage of people meet up without reason really, guy plus girl does not automatically mean date, which of course doesn't include all of the cases in Sweden, but from my experiences.... the general. I don't know. I might be wrong. Just random thoughts on the airplane.
30 Dec 2017
Irony. It's a beautiful Friday, I'm off from work, and the sun is warming my skin through the window. The skies are clearly blue, but so am I. Why the polar opposites? Why can't I find motivation to go out and enjoy this perfect day? I'm even off work, on a Friday! (Which is rare). The only tunes I can bring myself to hear is Daughters pained sounds. They ache in rythm with my heartbeats.
Sigh... the dark force is clearly strong in this one... I would love these feelings to go from my fingers, through a pen and onto a paper, but it feels like I've long lost the ability to draw. Why this.....why so heavy and blue.....why anything.... breathe
Boom festival 2016
Boom was beautiful. I'm so happy that I didn't skip it as firstly planned.
The Portuguese weather was quite bipolar. Felt like 50+ degrees during the day, and -10 at night. I didn't bring a tent, but decided to sleep a bit of everywhere, which was one of he best festival decisions I've ever made. Sleeping around strangers on a soft floor. So much more time to connect with people. Oh, what connections.
So much emotions. My soul was swimming in a sea of intense feelings from beginning to end. I met best friends, lovers, and everything in between. The borders between them all blurred out, and all there was left was pure emotions. I don't even care to label them. Who cares anyway? I don't need labels right now. Love is love, and 'what kind' shouldn't matter.
The only thing that matters is the memories of the slowly fading feelings. They will all turn into something else for the time being. Until we all meet again. Then they'll bloom back, like a flower garden in spring <3
Fancy lunch
Seafood platter with ponzu oysters, pickled baby octopus and wasabi calamari rings, followed by crispy skin ocean trout with scallop, mussle and prawn tomato ragu. It costs to eat good...
life
Breathing is heavy nowadays
Ache. Sorry guys
I should update about my travels, but at the moment it's all about emotions again. Please look away if you want to hear about my adventures, here's nothing to find. Wait for next update.
Back to heartache. I've been trying to sleep for a couple of hours, turning and twisting, but the only thing I can see when I close my eyes is.... Jakob. And it hurts.
When I close my eyes, I find myself fantasizing about his life now. What's he's doing. How he's feeling. I wonder about everything. It's stupid. I traveled to the other side of the world to get away, yet I can't sleep because I see his face whenever I close my eyes. Hope he's doing alright. I know he is. I just wish I could aswell.
I'm having a good time here, I'm enjoying friends and nice scenery. But a part of me is missing. And I can't think it away. I should stop bitch about a lost love. It's part of life for fucks sake.
It's 04.10, and I'm sitting at the rooftop of the hostel, chain smoking.
Missing, and trying to get myself together to fucking sleep. Knowing how ridiculous this is, I'm on the other side of the world goddamnit, and he doesn't give a shit about you, neither should I! Fuck
I miss him. I miss you so much.
End of story
