calory

I had one of those dreams which ended by slowly fading out towards reality through my fingers, again. In the dream, I smoked a psychedelic cigar, and exactly as one would enter the psychedelic realm on reality, DMT to be exact, I went from dream to waking up. 

I dreamt of abandonment, and about the type of desperate pain I've felt throughout my whole life. 

Recurring in my dream was also an ex of mine. The one whose breakup damaged me beyond words. Not because he was "the one", but because I was still in the peak of being broken without having found solutions yet. Desperately clinging onto a sinking ship, because I didn't know any better. It must have been a truly traumatic experience, as I'm here 8 years later, feeling heartbroken over briefly have seen him in a dream. 

We all have unsolved past ghosts that occasionally comes back to haunt us. It's impossible to sort out all regrets we've created when young & ignorant. I buried the whole JJ experience so deep inside of me that I forgot about it, and found a life past the pain in the meanwhile. 

There is still a lot I want to apologize to him for, but probably won't ever get the chance to. Our breakup was still, to this day, one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, and I screwed it up beyond words by being so desperately in pain. I can't see how I'll ever get the chance to express my remorse to him. Not for his sake really - but to bring closure to my case. Himself, has probably just brushed off the whole thing as another failed relationship in the past. 

So here I am, 8 years later, with a wonderful life, building my family and an ever growing happiness & understanding of my own emotions, feeling those familiar waves of heartache again. Pain from the past visiting my chest, reminding me to really take care of every happy moment and person I love in this world. Before our time is over. 

Before it's too late to apologize, and to have that ghost called JJ buried deep down inside of me, in a dark but never forgotten place of my soul. 

Slowly aching and bleeding, probably forever.