Care, don't care

Apparently, I'm doing quite a good job looking like I don't care about anything. It's just out out out, drink drink drink, laugh laugh laugh. Don't get me wrong. I love it. Mindless socialisation is by far the funniest hobby I have. I'm just a bit... excessive with it.

I just wish it was true. That I don't care about anything.

I know I'm an emotional hurricane, and I realize that I might be way to much, way to fast and way to intense for most people. Not being able to fully express it is killing me. I'm imploding, heart breaking all over and over and over again. The future might prove me wrong, but so far, the agony versus the love I've felt isn't even. My heart's been breaking as far back as I can remember. No love is worth this. I wish I could stop caring about anyone, anything at all

The sweet escape to Thailand

And here we are again, on another escape to the holy motherland. Escaping what? Willingly or not, I just had to get away a bit. From everything. 

The last few months has been more stressful and alcoholic than ever, with double the amounts of worries than usual, piling up on my shoulders. Paying rent for a flat I’m not staying in, the aftermaths of heartbreak, still sharing bed with the ex, not having time to move out in time before the travels, considering a change of career (economical reasons, I’m burning out) but not being able to come to any conclusion whatsoever, running in mental circles, started to date a human who sends mixed signals (I don’t even know if he enjoys my company or not?) and who’s absolutely impossible for me to read, yet I’m so hooked but also is also afraid that I’m probably still too emotionally disturbed to handle this in a good way, but then, won’t I always be? 

Add working 6 days a week on top of that and yes, I was close to hit the wall. I don’t think I’ve ever been this close before. I could feel myself loosing sense of reality. And oh, shouldn’t forget to mention the alcoholism that comes as a coping mechanism aswell.

In any case, I’m in the writing moment on a plane away from Europe. We’ll start easy with a family reunion up north, followed by some normal charter holiday down south with Ruby and the Maltese techno crew. I am slightly worried about my economical situation, but anyway; I can’t wait. I need this. My mind needs to unwind before it implodes in fireworks of manic-depressive fits (which has starting to present themselves the last week).

I’ve never been the warmest person towards my family since I grew up in a foster home, but I really looking forward for this week with them. Some soothe after this close-to-crash-period. Trying to behave like a normal family. Not having to worry about anything else than gaining weight from all of the good food we’re guaranteed to devour. Washing it all down with ice cold Chang from 7eleven ;) 


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