6 months later


I can't get away.

I traveled to the other side of the world to escape my memories
To forget the heartache
It doesn't work.

Life here in Australia isn't too bad. A bit boring maybe, but with 11h of work every day I'm fine. I am not good, nor bad. Just when I'm left alone with my head and heart.

One thing I can't get away from is the dark cloud of suicide thoughts slowly rolling over me, heavier and heavier. Not that I'm about to go kill myself or so, but just... Thoughts. I can't chase them away. They're always there whenever I have free time, circling around and in my head, telling me how nice it would be to be free from all the suffering in this world. Sure we'd miss out on nice stuff aswell, but this slowly encasing depression has viciously started to drain me of my then-so-strong joy. I used to be the power up person, the girl always spreading positive energies around. And now, I'm just this gloomy weirdo. I couldn't even fully enjoy Asia when I traveled there a month.

Don't get me wrong, I do have a nice time whenever I meet great people. But every single second I'm alone I'm lost in heartache again. My insides are aching constantly, and flaming up in every lone moment. When I wake up. When I go to sleep. I'm not thrown into despair as I was before, but this kind of depression is viciously draining me of joy, slowly slowly... Maybe one day these thoughts of dying will be real. Without me even realizing how far it's gone. I'm not saying it'll happen for sure. But it can't continue in this direction. Suicide thoughts are not a long-term part of breakups.

Froggylicious

Alright. Let's talk about the frog and the stingray I ate last week in Malaysia. I've been too busy with work, so this update is a bit late I know..

Anyway. Got my eyes on a skewer-stand in KL, bukit bintang area. They had big-ass frogs and stingrays and of course I was interested. You pretty much pick whatever skewered you feel like and they grill/deep fry them for you.

I ate frog twice in Malaysia, and I have to say that the meat doesn't really taste.... Anything. It's just texture. It's a little bit gummy-ish, and maybe not the star in Malay cuisine really. It was fun to try though!

The stingray was actually very nice. I had it first grilled, then slightly deep fried. Imagine a big fish, for example swordfish... That's the texture. Not flakey and white like most fishes, but you could feel that it was a sea creature. If they cut it like any other fish you could easily put it in a bouillabaisse. The skin and bones was a little bit of a hassle, but I could eat this again for sure (later had a stingray ginger-stir fry, gorgeous).







Also had a little quail. Not bad, but chicken is way better



Midnight snack

Sorry for being low on updates again guys. Just came to my final destination and started doing 12 shifts straight away. Still in the process of learning, but my gut feeling isn't too happy for some reason. We'll see how it turns out.

 Monday's off though, so hopefully I'll come up with something tomorrow!





Real food abroad

There's lots of good foods to eat here in KL. You have a wonderful mix between Malay, Chinese, Indian, and all sorts of street food (most of them deep fried). I usually try to stick with the local food whenever I travel to a country, but since it's so mixed here.. I love the Indian and Chinese as much as I like the Malay food. It's still authentic thanks to the closeness and race mix. 'Western Chinese food' is for example not anywhere close to the real stuff. Usually brown, very sweet and sticky-saucy. And that's what people grow up to believe is 'real Chinese food'. Of course there are similar dishes maybe, but this is just something else than the many many many dishes of a huge country. 

Ehrm. Too much China. My point is that even if I eat Indian and Chinese here in KL, it's still kind of the real deal. The fact that I'm residing in Chinatown helps a lot. Today we'll visit the town's 'little India' and sample foods to eat with our hands. Just need to hunt down a good, spicy hellbroth laksa first to sweat the demons inside out. Did I mention my habit of always eating spicy noodle soups for breakfast?





Malay curry and pork belly (both soy-stewed and deep fried)


Saturday night market

Stumbled into a very long evening market last night. Wonderfully crowded with people and aromas from the different street food stalls. I managed to sample a lot of things I hadn't tried yet (as the cow' lung and liver... Tough shit). Can't really remember everything, but here's some pictures;


Started the day with a spicy laksa (noodles in a rich curry broth, topped with clams, deep fried tofu and chicken). It's nice to sweat the demons out.




Shared lunch with a new friend, consisting of takoyaki, curry puff pastry, nasi lemak, mee rebus noodle soup and nasi goreng. A nice mix between Singaporean and Malay foods (well, takoyaki is japanese but whatever).





Biggest pans ever filled with delicious fried noodles!!!!!! Just €1,3 for a nice portion. Heaven






Weird ice cream cone and deep fried prawns on a skewer. They seem to love their deep fried foods over here (one thing I've also noticed is that Malay women seem to have a quite average body type, not really as small and petite as for example Japanese people). Nothing wrong with that!



Arriba arriba!

Went to try out Mañana, a Mexican restaurant at white beach in Boracay. Maybe I had high expectations after reading good things about it online, but I was kind of disappointed. It was tasty, but most things was in need of a real dab of salt. Other than that, it was alright. Decorations was creative, but the sides (beans, corn, rice etc) was mini-sized. Well, main courses was pretty big so it makes sense I guess.

I had vegetarian enchiladas, the others chimichangas, burritos and enchiladas. Also a pizza baked on a piece of tortilla. All washed down with huge mango margheritas and banana shakes!

Also found myself a new sarong. The old one is starting to get ripped me overall over-used. Will use it as long as I can though, mixing it up with the new, blue one :)







Bulalo

Read about Smoke risto's award-winning Bulalo soup while researching about filipino cuisine, so there I went to try it out. 

For you who doesn't know, bulalo is a beef shank soup with the broth made from boiling the meat on the bones. Usually contains chinese cabbage aswell if I understood it right.

So I went to this very small local restaurant located on the outskirts of the tourist bubble. Ordered one with rice on the side;


It came piping hot, so I removed the meat and cabbage and put it nicely over the rice. Also got a bit of chili oil on the side which I obviously dumped right down in the soup.



Ate the meat and other beautiful beef tissue while the soup took its time to cool down. Tried to spoon up some soup in between each bite to fuse the different elements together. Jelly-like beef tissue/fat, soft, ultra slow cooked beef so tender you're ready to die. Broth just as salty as it should be, and also the extra sting of the chili oil. Oh my god... Extremely divine.

At the later part of the meal when the temperatures went to a good level, I just put everything on the plate and dumped it into the soup bowl (correction; what was left). All the flavors and textures came together to be ridiculously good. 



I also got a little friend laying under the table, probably smelling the glorious 
aroma better than I do. At that moment, there was nowhere I'd rather be.

Ache. Sorry guys

I should update about my travels, but at the moment it's all about emotions again. Please look away if you want to hear about my adventures, here's nothing to find. Wait for next update.

Back to heartache. I've been trying to sleep for a couple of hours, turning and twisting, but the only thing I can see when I close my eyes is.... Jakob. And it hurts.

When I close my eyes, I find myself fantasizing about his life now. What's he's doing. How he's feeling. I wonder about everything. It's stupid. I traveled to the other side of the world to get away, yet I can't sleep because I see his face whenever I close my eyes. Hope he's doing alright. I know he is. I just wish I could aswell.

I'm having a good time here, I'm enjoying friends and nice scenery. But a part of me is missing. And I can't think it away. I should stop bitch about a lost love. It's part of life for fucks sake.

It's 04.10, and I'm sitting at the rooftop of the hostel, chain smoking. 
Missing, and trying to get myself together to fucking sleep. Knowing how ridiculous this is, I'm on the other side of the world goddamnit, and he doesn't give a shit about you, neither should I! Fuck

I miss him. I miss you so much. 
End of story 







New start starts with Roma

At the moment, I'm sitting in Beijing airport. Facebook is banned here in China, and the security check was one of the harshest I've been through (full body search, they took my three lighters and basically unpacked my whole bag).

I've just spent about 9-10h in the air between Roma and Beijing. Before that just 1,5h leaving malta to Roma. Very tearful flight I must say, I got sickly emotional and must have looked like a idiot there beside people (luckily I was at the window, so I could cry while watching the sky and Malta from above).

Met a couchsurfer in Roma. Oh he gave me such a good time. We firstly had a beer at the airport, then took the car in to central Roma, parked a bit outside and just had a long promenade past colosseum and other big constructions I don't know the name of. Then I ate the first Italian pizza in Italy!!! CappricciosaAlso tasted some bruschetta and carbonara. It is a certain difference, it is. And I hadn't eaten in about 15h, so it was surely good.

On the way back to the airport we got stuck in a traffic jam, and I almost missed the flight (eheheheheh surprised?). Like, really on the limit. It would suck if I got stuck so early on a long trip, but here I am in Beijing. Phew

Chinese people are weird. And rude. Or just very straight-forward. I was thinking to spend my 7h here, sitting at the bar and maybe catch a conversation with someone, but it doesn't seem like that's doable really. It's not even so much foreigners here goddamnit. And the Chinese people around isn't very friendly, loud, angry, and the cashier looks at you with a face of bother. Maybe this is just a very boring airport to work in. I hope that's the case at least.

The restaurants serve mostly Korean food as bibimbap and different noodle soups, so I'm happy. Korean food is awesome, and I would like to try more of it! Just sucks that my appetite isn't existing at all. Feels so stupid to buy food for €8 if you're not even hungry. So here I am in the smoking room with my three Tsingtao beer I bought from the convienience shop. I should get hungry at some point. My beer is finished soon anyway, I can't use Facebook and I have 4.5h left to wait (y)










I must say though, the dinner I got at air China was the best tasting I've ever had on a plane. Chicken in white sauce and pasta with tomato sauce, prawn, crispy potato and olive oil on the side. Tastyy

May the new year hurt a bit less please.



Boom festival, idanha-a-nova, Portugal

Boom was amazing. We'll yes, it was 45+ degrees, no clouds, toil and sweat, dehydration, 30min queues for all food, struggles with the atm and above all, D U S T.

Every day I would blow my nose to discover mud. Utterly disgusting, and by far the worst thing with the festival. Shortly after that pain comes the Sahara-heat with no clouds. Destruction. But it was worth it, in a weird way I just don't understand.

The festival was combining elements of the soul so nice. Dance your body away at the 2 main stages, dazzle your brain with the most incredible art I've seen at the visual art museum (which, on top of that, was designed like walking into a dragons mouth), enjoy and smile at the pretty and very smart decorations put out here and there. Like the jellyfish lanterns they put on each street light. Made by plastic cups, they spread amazingly friendly discoball-like patterns on the ground.

I danced like never before. The highest level of dance-trance was when Emok, Ticon and James Monro played a 5h set together, taking turns. I've never danced so furiously, so constant for that long time. The energy of the dance usually goes in waves you know, but this one was constant bodybeating all through the entire set. I was all shaky when they finished, and we got to go backstage to thank the dj's (a bit flirting with the security guards ;). We later ended up partying with them, drinking beer and sharing pizza. James Monro and his wife even showed us pictures of heir house and horses in Brazil! The last night was by far the best one ever.

Anyways, I'm here now, a few years older spiritually and a few friends richer. I've also seen videos of Malta now, and I'm so proud of what a beautiful country I live in, and all the beautiful places I get to see. I miss Jakob, I do. But for the gift to realize everyday beauty, I'm so incredibly grateful.






















Viva Madrid

We've been in Madrid for 1,5 days, managed to find our hotel at Alonso Martinez which is about 15 min walk from the city center. It's okay since I like walking.

Yesterday was a loong one. Staying up at night to catch the plane at 6am, arriving in Madrid to find the hotel, search for the typical tapas (oh we tried a few different places throughout he evening). I even got to ride with a cs friend around town, utterly amazing experience.

It's nice to schedule meetings with locals. You get to dig a bit deeper rather than scratching the surface of a town. We did things all day this day, so we slept like babies when we came back home after midnight haha..

I like the way of eating here, here's no need to order a full meal at a specific restaurant. Order a few tapas plates with some drinks, snack a bit, wander on to next place, repeat.. Oh my god how perfectly it suits my way of constantly nabbing on something. P e r f e c t

Today, we'll try to find some shorts, and do some other shopping aswell. Just walk around, mostly in puerto del sol. Eat, drink. Load up ourselves before dancing away in the Portuguese nature for the comig week.






























































Jumping giraffe

 
 
 
 
Well. yeah. I stepped wrong some night before, didn't notice any pain for the evening but woke up the morning after of the pain in my left ancle. At first, I thought it was the infected mosquito bite I had on the exact same spot, I was like "holy hell, this mosquito bite is getting serious??!!?!". Called to work and told them like, hey guys, I litterally can't walk to work and got the orders to check the fuck up at some health clinic.
 
So I got a friend to take me and we went. Firstly to Gzira health center where the doctor had to come to the entrance since I impossibly could jump on one leg up the stairs. He sent me for X-ray in Mosta health clinic, thought it was broken due to the big swelling. In mosta, we confirmed that there was no fractures and that I probably slit off something inside. A sprain maybe? Anyway, I got the painkillers and a prescription on cruches I would need to go to Mater Dei hospital to get. Hallelujah! 
 
Went there, and now I'm invalid on cruches. The palms of my hands are hurting from the weight I have to put while jumping around on them. And I'm so bored. I'm not the type that can relax and take it easy at home, I want to be up running, doing stuff, working all the fucking time!!!! I'm soon crawling up the walls here at home. It's so boring. i could go back to work and do something which doesnt require me to walk somewhere, but at the same time I think I should let the foot heal as fast as possible so I can come back perfectly fine. Argh. me and my fucking clumsy ass
 
 

Father father insect times

As you know, I met my father for the first time in adult age some days ago. His English wasn't there and my Thai skills is poor, so communication was slightly difficult. However, I had my mum around to translate thank god. To be clear, I have no intentions of building any relationship with him, and this is also not really a sensitive topic since he's like a total stranger to me anyway. More important, genetics are fun and I was amused by our similar features :)

We went to some temple market, he bought me some street snacks and had me trying fried insects!! Taste was alright, but the feeling of a insect between your teeth... Well it got better the more I had, but I doubt it'll be something I'll yearn more for. We later had beer.

Next day, he cooked with me. Apparently he's a good cook, but from what I could see just an amateur (well, village life here isn't quite the place for star-restaurants. They're living in wooden bungalows in the middle of nowhere, the equipment is from the Stone Age). Anyways, he showed me that magic nigro chicken I wrote about a couple of days ago. New experiences!

At the moment, I'm doing nothing else than eating, sweating, eating, melting, eating, reading, eating. I've surely put on about 4kg, some shorts feels tighter. Not sure if my belly is so big cuz the ridiculously huge amount of water I binge or if I'm actually is getting a proper beer belly. I drink like 5l a day, at least <_< 












Magic nigro chicken

It's been a lot of absence here lately. Maybe it's too hot, I'm doing nothing else than eating chilli-bursting spicy food and melting here. I arrived to Chiang Mai two days ago, and is just here for my mothers sake to be honest. Meeting my grandparents which I've never really spoken too, and also got to meet my biological father! More bout that another time. 

North of Thailand means family business anyway, the sky is always grey (pollution) and I don't really like it here as I like the south. Sad sad grey skies, reminder of how we destroy our beautiful earth.

Oh well. My father brought some new stuff to cook with me today. I dropped my jaw when he pulled out a black chicken from he bag. Everything was black, the meat, the skin, the beak, the bones. WTF? I never even thought about its existence before. He made a soup by boiling it with herbs, garlic, other random thai stuff, we cooked together! The nigro chicken tasted exactly like normal though, but I must say it did look slightly scary when black even inside :P





Sad one. You wouldn't be too happy 
'bout getting boiled either would'ya :(

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Tany

Tanu here. Thai by blood, born/raised in Sweden, and is for the moment located in Malta. This blog is focused on my drawings, traveling and foods which I'd like to share with like-minded, or just the curious. Welcome!
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