Please note that it's neither my own text, or the original one. It's modified. But it's so true.
With love, you cannot choose.
He got me. We got each other. I never thought much about that friendship as it was developing. I just knew our connection was deep and I looked forward to seeing him every day.
Then one day out of nowhere it was if somebody knocked the wind out of me. I realized I had fallen in love with him. I didn’t know how or when it had happened, but I saw it and felt it with so much clarity and intensity that my heart ached. The current situation suffocated me.
This was not a person I could be in a relationship with. I was married to someone else. But we acknowledged we both loved each other and in the time we were in each other’s lives, we gave that love to each other in small ways without ever being in a relationship.
I attended a women’s circle this weekend with a powerful, deeply intuitive and grounded group of women. I shared how I was still learning to receive love from people that I had no intention of getting into a traditional relationship with. I was struggling with it—often pushing them away because I know I can’t give them what they want.
One woman challenged me, asked me if I could look at the container differently. Was it possible that I could give my love to others and receive it without it having to look a certain way? I was uncertain.
Isn’t the goal to find someone we can fully commit ourselves to—mind, body and spirit? I may not want to get married again, but I want someone who wants me—all of me. I want someone who wants to be with just me, and nobody else. I was so wrong.
One of my spiritual teachers said to me recently,“You will know what true love is when you can give it to someone, without expecting anything back. It seemed impossible that I could ever give my heart to someone who can’t give theirs back to me. That’s not how it works.
Except it is how it works.
But then I realized I was already giving it. I couldn’t help but not. And I fell into a place of accepting that this is what my heart feels and the most loving thing I can do is to give it to him simply because it’s there.
There are men who have done this for me. There are men in my life now who love me. They ask for nothing back. They are brazen enough to tell me that they love me with no shame, no expectations, no withholding of their true feelings. I respect that.
Can you do the same for someone else in your life? Can you put aside your ego and your expectations and just say, “I hold a space inside myself that loves you.”? The timing may not be right. The circumstances may not be right. The two of you may not even be right together.
But we are allowed to feel love for anybody. That is the beauty of free will and our connectedness with each other. We can love whoever we want. We can receive another person’s love without needing to give it in equal amounts back.
It does not have to fit into a box. It does not have to make sense. It does not have to be perfect timing or make promises of a future together.
It just has to be authentic. Real love is just that. Authentic. We give it because it feels authentic to us. And we can receive it because somebody simply wants to give it.
Today I choose to give my love to people I feel it for. Not because it fits into a box. Or because I may end up in a relationship with them down the line.
But because it simply feels right to express what is authentically in my heart
Somehow, even though I work with catering, I never really know anything about Easter. When? What? Why? For me, it's just another excuse for the days to get extra busy at work.
So now when I happen to be in my hometown Hällefors, it was just perfect to enjoy a traditional Easter buffe at my old foster family home. All of my 'step siblings', or whatever it's actually called, have 2-3 children each, and that's a lot of energy going on around... I was slightly awkward in the midst of the running around, playing, crying, but I guess things fell more naturally after a while (and 2 shots of rum). It was pretty heartwarming somehow. Even though we're not physically connected, I really felt like a part of the family again. I'm so lucky to be part of them.
So, down to some of the traditional easter food we've got in my part of Sweden:
- Egg halves with with crème fraîche, dill and caviar
- Different types of pickled herring
- Cured salmon with heartberries
- Smoked (?) deer wih capers (slightly red inside, my meat favourite)
- Potato salad with cornichons
- Boiled dill potatoes. More potatoes.
- Smoked fish
- Christmas ham (haha wtf) and strong mustard
- Salami & sausages
- Meatballs & smoked whatever-animal-it-was
- Janssons (potato gratin with anchovies)
- Assorted cheeses and crisp bread
....and the list goes on forever. This varies of course a lot from family to family, but you get the idea. Even though I would rather be drinking beer in my bikini and dance for hours, this felt good. It felt good to meet everyone again. It felt good to be part of a huge family. It was also one of the best food experiences so far this year. And tomorrow, I'll be back to munch on the leftovers of today <3
Having a sudden pit stop in Sweden to renew my passport. Apparently, my dear boyfriend and his bestie got us kicked out from our flat in Malta for being noisy. Good job (y). If one gets kicked out from one flat, maybe laying low should be a wise idea no? Apparently not.
So, as soon as I get my new passport, I'll fly home to sort things out. Economically a shiet timing since I'm out traveling. On the other hand, everyone's bombarding me with paradise photos of the Malta weather, so it'll be really nice to exchange theese snow storms in Sweden for Maltese sun....
where would you rather be?
Got nothing special to say really.... Kind of blue lately. Got a lot on my mind. Need some rest......
Today has been a perfectly 'lagom' day. Woke up at 7:30 for the breakfast buffet which consisted of a spicy thai herb stew with chicken, fried pumpkin, sunny side up eggs and endless amounts of pineapples (!!!!). Rather filling for being a breakfast, but in my eyes waaaay better than toast and jam (They never got cheese here in Thailand... what's the point of toast then...). As usual, I got greedy and ate for both bfast and lunch, then downed two cups of black coffee and spent the next 4 hours in my hotel room, in pain. How come I never learn......
Anyway, agony past, we went on with our hired mopeds. I've never thought about visiting this area before, I just tagged along now to have a look at my mum's property. Prachuap Kiri Khan. It's pretty! And very tourist-free. I mean, there is some tourism going on, but at least now, not really. The area consists of three bay's, and in the middle one there a looong pier that goes out right in the middle.... Spectacular to be there at night with all the lights forming artwork far away. Found a hidden gem, really.
One of the few things there is to do here is apparently feeding monkeys. You see, there is a tiny mountain in the middle of the town where you can walk up some looong stairs to a small temple. Yep. That's where them monkeys live. And they are thousands, everywhere, snatching anything close to food you might carry. I tried to stay as far away from them as I could, but got peed on anyway..... dang
Inspiration, please stay
As I was listening to the sound of waves and scrolling on the web in my hotel room in Prachuap, I got the totally sudden urge to draw. Idea after idea popped into my head, and I hurried to sketch down as many as possible. Daughter, The deer tracks, Death cab for cutie and The postal service made it all go smoother through the process. After this many years of creative absence, can you believe it?! I finally drew again! Should I go fetch a piano aswell, while it lasts??
I'm not sure what I may have scrolled past that triggered it, but I'm sure as hell happy for whatever. I've been trying to be creative for years, but nothing felt natural anymore. I got stuck. I sure hope I can hold onto this creative little wave for a while now.
In the back of a pick up
Hey guys! If you just knew what I've been watching for the last 3 hours....
We started the day by driving to the orchid and butterfly farm at Mae Rim area. Perfect place to snap pretty photos, and yes, pretty much all of them flowers matched my hair :) Continued to a small stream with benches and had a few beers before we started the 5h long drive from Chiangmai mai to Phrae.
I have to say, my favourite way of travel must be like this, in the back of a pick up, wind in my hair, and after watching the sun set, thousands of stars shining right at me. The feeling of freedom is insane, especially while roadtripping for this many hours. Occasionally, I did get paranoid thoughts of road bandits, but yeah... Huge waste of life to be afraid of everything ey.
If you ever get the chance, try travel in the back of a pick up, uncomfortably and bumpy. And make sure you drive while the sun's setting <3
Thailand and away
Oh hai. Was a while ago, wasn't it? While I'm back home in Malta, my life consists of work and partying only. Literally. However, I'm now out on the road again, so you can expect a few more posts every now and then!
So, this time, the journey starts in Thailand. While I'm usually a solo traveler, I'm having my partner with me for the first two weeks this time. It's a nice change. Having someone to share meals and chat with through everything feels nice. Two is a nice number for travels. I'll be alone soon though.. One week left before he's going back home.
First, we spent 24 hours in BKK. 20 of them just.... eating. The street food sure is amazing in this city. Another not so amazing thing is the amounts of huge rats on the streets at night. We had to flee to the airport earlier than expected....
Arrived to the airport in time, just to realize that we screwed up our time zones and booked wrong dates for our flight to Vietnam. Pretty exhausted, we had a few beers, said fuck it, and took the next flight down south. Oh hello comfortable island life!
Koh Phangan was... Well. Island life and buckets can't go wrong, can it? We spent 6 nights driving around on scooters, heaving beer, eat not-very-interesting-but-tasty food and swimming in blue waters. A usual paradise stay in our favorite Thai island. We even spent some time with my foster parents and had scooter adventures with my polish fox who happened to be in the area <3 The standard holiday was good. But it was time to get out of the comfort zone now.
Next stop: Chiang Rai!
The first thing noticed about north was the temperature. Oh so cool! A very nice change from the pungent sweats of south. We found us a tuktuk driver who took us around for 5 hours(?!). First stop just had to be Black house. Walking around animal bones and black, rather vicious-looking temples, this place gave us an occult shiver during the whole stay. Super cool, and super creepy.
And of course..... Who can visit Chiang Rai without going to White temple? Incredible piece of art. And all them small mirror pieces stuck in every single centimeter of he whole palace?? Holy crap. Words can't describe the beauty of it. Just go. And bring the anti-tourist spray if you ever want to get a picture of it alone.
Aaahhhhh......... Singha factory next. This was one of the highlights of the whole trip so far. Sipping draft Singha while gazing out over hectares of tea plantages and pointy mountains.. Could easily spend a whole day here. Singha definetely tastes best by draft. I think I need to install one when I get home.
On our way back, we had a random stop at a local food market to sample weird stuff to eat. And sure we did. And yes, we're still alive......
Thanks for making it this far. I normally don't write long posts like this, but it's been hard to find regular spots for updates. Hoping to divide them more in the future :)
The loss of whatever talents there was
I think I'm losing my talents. I used to be so good at drawing, dancing, instruments, but now, in the abscence of practice, I feel like theese things are withering away. Sure, I'm refining my cooking skills 300% by doing it for a living, but sometimes, I can't help to feel that I would gladly exchange a few percent of those to, mostly, drawing. God, I know this is just another thing in life one's gotta cope with, but I can't help myself to get stuck and whine every now and then.
So, today, I tried to draw again. I lost the flow. Nothing that came out from the pen felt natural anymore. Either this is a 'paus', or it's never coming back again. I've got masterpieces stuck in my head, but not the skills to portrait them correctly. Artistically speaking, it's difficult to stay positive when nothing feels right.
30 Dec 2017
Irony. It's a beautiful Friday, I'm off from work, and the sun is warming my skin through the window. The skies are clearly blue, but so am I. Why the polar opposites? Why can't I find motivation to go out and enjoy this perfect day? I'm even off work, on a Friday! (Which is rare). The only tunes I can bring myself to hear is Daughters pained sounds. They ache in rythm with my heartbeats.
Sigh... the dark force is clearly strong in this one... I would love these feelings to go from my fingers, through a pen and onto a paper, but it feels like I've long lost the ability to draw. Why this.....why so heavy and blue.....why anything.... breathe
Boom festival 2016
Boom was beautiful. I'm so happy that I didn't skip it as firstly planned.
The Portuguese weather was quite bipolar. Felt like 50+ degrees during the day, and -10 at night. I didn't bring a tent, but decided to sleep a bit of everywhere, which was one of he best festival decisions I've ever made. Sleeping around strangers on a soft floor. So much more time to connect with people. Oh, what connections.
So much emotions. My soul was swimming in a sea of intense feelings from beginning to end. I met best friends, lovers, and everything in between. The borders between them all blurred out, and all there was left was pure emotions. I don't even care to label them. Who cares anyway? I don't need labels right now. Love is love, and 'what kind' shouldn't matter.
The only thing that matters is the memories of the slowly fading feelings. They will all turn into something else for the time being. Until we all meet again. Then they'll bloom back, like a flower garden in spring <3
Sober Friday night thoughts
Saturday 30th July, 2016
Here I am, again.
Haven't smoked a single drag of tobacco since Thursday 7am.
Not even a beer, or any alcohol either.
I'm completely straight in most ways at the moment, and it's funny to think, that from the wildest and most drug-filled parties, this stillness can be born.
I guess it's just about my totally emptied dopamine levels, no?
I had something else to write, but I still struggle to put the words in order in my head.
Something about being.... Nothing special.
Not a person who struggle with living. But not anyone achieving anything special either.
I just... Am.
Is this a problem?
No, I don't think so.
Yet, it's bugging me a bit, from time to time.
I do want to become truly great at something, and I do know that I do have potential if I just work hard towards it.
But you see.
Life is so fun and comfortable right now. It's so much nicer to let the sun bathe my skin and have endless conversations with people. It's so easy to get out from my house and get nothing but socialising done. Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy my life.
But whatever talents I have is forgotten.
If I even have any real ones of course.
But that, I will never know.
Until I learn how to stay with my own company.
Harakiri sausage challenge
Spontaneously booked a ticket to Sweden while sunbathing on the beach in Malta. Went from 35+ degrees to rain and grey clouds. I don't really know how I was thinking really.
In any case, I'm here in Stockholm for a little while before I go down to Gothenburg to hug people. So while here, it was time to try out the infamous harakiri challenge.
The challenge consist of a spicy sausage with bread (said to be the spiciest in the world, but I doubt very much they've been to Mexico). You're not allowed to put ketchup or any other topping except for the super hot chili sauce that comes with it. Then you have 5 minutes to chug and keep it down. Most people apparently experience stomach cramps at this stage. He other guy trying it after me vomited. Did I mention that you need to wear latex gloves?
If you are a pale Swedish type that's never left the country, I understand this thing of evil would kill you. But as a world-traveling food freak with Thai blood, this wasn't even giving me the sweats. I ate the whole thing in 3 min, had no stomach pains or problems with the toilet after. You goddamn swedish pussies
Just angry about everything right now
Had a nice drive to the wineyards yesterday, and stopped over at Oishii for a fishy lunch. The tuna tataki was a disappointment, but I stuffed my face with spicy miso soup and sashimi instead. It's hard to fail sashimi. All good.