Morning commute

As most Monday mornings, I was on my way to work. And as most people living in Malta knows, the public transport here sucks total balls. Spent way to many minutes in frustration before I saw the holy saviour, the messiah, the ferry close into shore. Needless to say, I gave the bus the finger and jumped on.

And there I was, with the wind in my hair and the sun warming my skin and the Mediterranean Sea glittering at me. I felt so lucky. I mean, it’s 8:30am and I’m on a boat on my way to work? Sure, I’m an super anxious person but how could I not feel these huge waves of gratitude?! I might have my problems, but I’m constantly trying to remind myself of what a beautiful life I have. Really fucking painful, yes, but beautiful. I don’t take the sun, the sea and the blue skies for granted. I’m lucky to have this around me, and I think more people have to stop up and remember that.

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Care, don't care

Apparently, I'm doing quite a good job looking like I don't care about anything. It's just out out out, drink drink drink, laugh laugh laugh. Don't get me wrong. I love it. Mindless socialisation is by far the funniest hobby I have. I'm just a bit... excessive with it.

I just wish it was true. That I don't care about anything.

I know I'm an emotional hurricane, and I realize that I might be way to much, way to fast and way to intense for most people. Not being able to fully express it is killing me. I'm imploding, heart breaking all over and over and over again. The future might prove me wrong, but so far, the agony versus the love I've felt isn't even. My heart's been breaking as far back as I can remember. No love is worth this. I wish I could stop caring about anyone, anything at all
 
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Forgotten talents

So, I'm back on the island of no fucks given (actually meant that in a homey, heartwarming sense). Still got another 2 weeks of holiday before I'll get back into my chef's wear. I've been, ever since Thailand, quite motivated to use this free time to develop my art stuff and practice of yoga. I'm afraid that I've lost all skills because of constantly working. Always at work.
 
I know that even if you're given a talent, it still won't become anything if you don't practice it. It's like that with my art. I know I've got potential, just looking back at myself growing up; always holding a pen since I was 2y old and man, I've been pretty impressive for my age. And then I started to work and almost instantly; I stopped evolving. Now, I'm stuck at the mental drawing-stage of 16. Damn, I think I even went back a few years! Surely forgot some techniques and killed a lot of creativity. I've stopped evolving.
 
My mind used to be a sprouting wild forest, stretching all over my vision, through my soul and arm and out on the paper. Oh man, all the creativity and techniques that just came to me naturally! Thinking back, I feel really impressed of the younger me, especially the teenage one. I can really feel the difference, because I remember how idea after idea popped into my head. I drew for hours every day for most of my teenage years. I remember how it felt like when my head was full of visions I could reach.
 
At first, I didn't realise that this was something I have to work for to revive. I've spent 6 years waiting for ''the inspiration'' to come back; It does not work that way. I've realised that if I want to revive whatever talent I once had, I really need to work on it. Learn those techniques back, continue through failed attempts and maybe, maybe my head will start flowing with creativity again. Maybe it's just me being very motivated in this moment, but I really want to try now. I want to see how far back I can reach. I want my wild forest back.

 




 

The Thailand experience

The sweet escape was a bittersweet mix between intense dancing joy, and ambushes of depressive realitychecks.
 
The time up north was unfortunately quite depressing overall, but considering that it was the last place me and my ex had spent our last holiday.... Let's just say that I saw it coming. However, it was really nice to spend some time with the lost family. Drinking, eating and driving around together... Sometimes I wonder if it'd be the same if we met more frequently. One will never know.
 
And then we went south.
 
Oh Pha-ngan. This place grows closer and closer to me. Especially with this visit where we actually hung out like/with locals. Met my maltese party crew up and oh my god, the first 4 days was just a hurricane of FUN. We danced, we drank, we had liquid love and we laughed. Danced til dawn, and welcomed the sun back up in the morning; bliss. Obviously, a downhill had to come. After a 53h dance-binge, my time was up. I walked through the jungle high as a kite, made it home and slept for 13h straight. 
 
The next 4-5 days was detox times. Wasn't feeling too well, which was understandable after drinking and dancing in the heat for days, barely touching food. Spent those days just taking care of myself.. Eating, beaching and resting. A lot. I was surprised that I didn't feel like partying again for so long; normally I would struggle to stay clean already after 2 or 3 days. There's something differnt about Thailand... My urge to drink does barely exist over here. It's not difficult to stay sober. Throw me back in Malta, and I'll be drawn to the bars like a fly to the light. I don't know what Malta does to me, but I turn into a complete crazy dancing alcoholic panda there. I wonder if I'll ever understand why. 
 
So, I was the last one to leave this beautiful, spiritual little island, and headed up to Bangkok where I would spend 1,5 days in wait for the flight back to my mediterranean home. Spent those days with my mother and cousin, wishing I'd stayed a bit longer... But the tickets were already booked. How foolish of me. This sudden family time was unexpected. If I'd known, I'd stayed another week. It's not like I've got a deadline to get back this time...
 
Oh yeah. I have to figure out what I want to do when I get back since Gochi closed. I've got a few options. Let's spend those 15 flight hours with that.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Naked beach

My dear friend snapped these when we played in the waters of a hidden beach on the west side of Koh Pha-gnan. One could never have guessed that there was a tiny trail into the jungle behind some bushes next to the road, leading out to this little paradise... off with your clothes!
 
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The sweet escape to Thailand

And here we are again, on another escape to the holy motherland. Escaping what? Willingly or not, I just had to get away a bit. From everything. 

The last few months has been more stressful and alcoholic than ever, with double the amounts of worries than usual, piling up on my shoulders. Paying rent for a flat I’m not staying in, the aftermaths of heartbreak, still sharing bed with the ex, not having time to move out in time before the travels, considering a change of career (economical reasons, I’m burning out) but not being able to come to any conclusion whatsoever, running in mental circles, started to date a human who sends mixed signals (I don’t even know if he enjoys my company or not?) and who’s absolutely impossible for me to read, yet I’m so hooked but also is also afraid that I’m probably still too emotionally disturbed to handle this in a good way, but then, won’t I always be? 

Add working 6 days a week on top of that and yes, I was close to hit the wall. I don’t think I’ve ever been this close before. I could feel myself loosing sense of reality. And oh, shouldn’t forget to mention the alcoholism that comes as a coping mechanism aswell.

In any case, I’m in the writing moment on a plane away from Europe. We’ll start easy with a family reunion up north, followed by some normal charter holiday down south with Ruby and the Maltese techno crew. I am slightly worried about my economical situation, but anyway; I can’t wait. I need this. My mind needs to unwind before it implodes in fireworks of manic-depressive fits (which has starting to present themselves the last week).

I’ve never been the warmest person towards my family since I grew up in a foster home, but I really looking forward for this week with them. Some soothe after this close-to-crash-period. Trying to behave like a normal family. Not having to worry about anything else than gaining weight from all of the good food we’re guaranteed to devour. Washing it all down with ice cold Chang from 7eleven ;) 


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Eating habits

Being a food champion doesn't neccessarily mean that I eat like a pig every day. Actually, I've got my periods of binge-drinking and no food for days aswell. Guess that's a party-girl's way of compensating haha. Absolutely not saying that it's neither healthy nor intentional, but point is, my intake sure as hell isn't five pizzas a day, every day as some seem to believe.
 
On a regular basis, I would say that my eating is very healthy. Tons of seaweed, ginger, beans and vegetables, a bit of seafood/fish and some carbs on the side (I'm not afraid of carbs, duh). Probably eating waaaaaaay too much fresh chillies and raw garlic. And I don't really drink anything else than green tea, coffee, water and beer. Occasional cocktail.
 
And tequila.
 
Working as a chef means long long hours at work on my feet, which means that I have full control over my intake. There's no time for going out for dinner, so I'm already skipping the heavy takeout meals many have on a regular basis. Add 12+ hours of running around, lifting stuff and voila! It feels okay to not stress over skipping gym.
 
Even though I can (and will) eat anything that's presented to me, there's a few things I really don't like and would avoid if I can;
 
  • Jellied stuff
  • Melted cheese (cheese tastes better cold, in my opinion)
  • Chocolate (Unless it's over 90%. Can't stand the sweet, melty feeling)
  • All sorts of candy
  • Sweet pastry. Cakes. Sugary stuff
  • Pork meat (Yes. That includes bacon) #hatebacon

So, In general, I seem to have pretty healthy preferences anyway. Just by not even liking many of the so called bad foods, it’s not even an effort to stay on a good level of health. I don’t cry for that lost cupcake (anyway, too sweet, ew), but oh my god, give me another five portions of lentil curry!! I do eat a lot. But a lot of healthy food. Guess that’s the difference.

 I feel super lucky to crave what’s good for me instead of the artificial stuff many people seem addicted to. I don’t know how it changed to become this, I do have a history of sweets just 6 years ago, but I absolutely don’t complain :)  

 

 

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Porky's BBQ challenge

So, visited London for a bit and after walking around in Camden we drunkely decided to pop into Porky's BBQ for their meat feast food challenge. Rules: 1 huge burger with pulled pork and bacon, 3 BBQ ribs and 6 hot wings to be devoured within 30 minutes to get the t-shirt. I normally barely eat meat at all, so I wasn't too sure about this first.... but somehow, I killed it on 20 min 50 sec. 

And then we went for more beer to celebrate, of course. :) 

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Hello day


Today is alright. Have been on a binge-party since 5 days back in a row. A lot of fun.. Don't feel hungover or bad in any ways actually. Also didn't eat for 3 days. Maybe this kind of fasting is good for a self-destructive bipolar human being. I even got motivation for going to a yoga class! Feel energised somehow. After-effects of cocaine? Whatever it is, I feel like everything will fall in place somehow. No signs of despair today. Yet at least



Challenge accepted??

Wow


3 heartbreaks this year? Really life, is that all you've got? Wanna see if you can manage another one before this year is over? Let's go. Show me that nothing matters anymore


My curse

I wonder why my stomach hurts so much. 

Is it all of the alcohol I've been marinating myself with the last 7 years? Is it the stress of knowing that I can't disappear without hurting the people who cares? Being forced to stay alive and suffer each day? Could it be the notion of slowly fading away from my lovers sight? The emotional starvation of sleeping next to someone you can't touch? The pain in my chest that makes my whole soul shudder down to it's bare knees and burst through my cheeks and my eyes?

Having feelings may be a gift, but I'm starting to doubt whether the good ones really outweights the heavy ones. Having too much feelings towards any direction whatsoever, is my curse.


One side of the narrow mind of scandies


It might just be me, but I noticed a pretty big social difference while in Sweden. The meeting of people, especially strangers, seems to be more focused on dating and/or sex, there's more backthought between each planned encounter than it seems to be in the Mediterranean. Down here, a bigger percentage of people meet up without reason really, guy plus girl does not automatically mean date, which of course doesn't include all of the cases in Sweden, but from my experiences.... the general. I don't know. I might be wrong. Just random thoughts on the airplane.


Ouch

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Mdina medieval festival

Kings and queens and knights and whole roasted wild hog. It's that time of the year again!
 
 
 
 
 

Aching. Aching so much

I feel severely heartbroken.

 

Life feels like a mess with the changing of flat, the uncertainty of it, emotions sprouting to all wrong directions, separation anxiety, my heart is aching violently, mind going crazy and wishing that I never had any feelings whatsoever. Life on the bipolar side sure is hard from time to time. Breathe

 

 

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Tany

Tanu here. Thai by blood, born/raised in Sweden, and is for the moment located in Malta. This blog is focused on my drawings, traveling and foods which I'd like to share with like-minded, or just the curious. Welcome!
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