The loss of whatever talents there was
I think I'm losing my talents. I used to be so good at drawing, dancing, instruments, but now, in the abscence of practice, I feel like theese things are withering away. Sure, I'm refining my cooking skills 300% by doing it for a living, but sometimes, I can't help to feel that I would gladly exchange a few percent of those to, mostly, drawing. God, I know this is just another thing in life one's gotta cope with, but I can't help myself to get stuck and whine every now and then.
So, today, I tried to draw again. I lost the flow. Nothing that came out from the pen felt natural anymore. Either this is a 'paus', or it's never coming back again. I've got masterpieces stuck in my head, but not the skills to portrait them correctly. Artistically speaking, it's difficult to stay positive when nothing feels right.
30 Dec 2017
Irony. It's a beautiful Friday, I'm off from work, and the sun is warming my skin through the window. The skies are clearly blue, but so am I. Why the polar opposites? Why can't I find motivation to go out and enjoy this perfect day? I'm even off work, on a Friday! (Which is rare). The only tunes I can bring myself to hear is Daughters pained sounds. They ache in rythm with my heartbeats.
Sigh... the dark force is clearly strong in this one... I would love these feelings to go from my fingers, through a pen and onto a paper, but it feels like I've long lost the ability to draw. Why this.....why so heavy and blue.....why anything.... breathe
Boom festival 2016
Boom was beautiful. I'm so happy that I didn't skip it as firstly planned.
The Portuguese weather was quite bipolar. Felt like 50+ degrees during the day, and -10 at night. I didn't bring a tent, but decided to sleep a bit of everywhere, which was one of he best festival decisions I've ever made. Sleeping around strangers on a soft floor. So much more time to connect with people. Oh, what connections.
So much emotions. My soul was swimming in a sea of intense feelings from beginning to end. I met best friends, lovers, and everything in between. The borders between them all blurred out, and all there was left was pure emotions. I don't even care to label them. Who cares anyway? I don't need labels right now. Love is love, and 'what kind' shouldn't matter.
The only thing that matters is the memories of the slowly fading feelings. They will all turn into something else for the time being. Until we all meet again. Then they'll bloom back, like a flower garden in spring <3
Sober Friday night thoughts
Saturday 30th July, 2016
Here I am, again.
Haven't smoked a single drag of tobacco since Thursday 7am.
Not even a beer, or any alcohol either.
I'm completely straight in most ways at the moment, and it's funny to think, that from the wildest and most drug-filled parties, this stillness can be born.
I guess it's just about my totally emptied dopamine levels, no?
I had something else to write, but I still struggle to put the words in order in my head.
Something about being.... Nothing special.
Not a person who struggle with living. But not anyone achieving anything special either.
I just... Am.
Is this a problem?
No, I don't think so.
Yet, it's bugging me a bit, from time to time.
I do want to become truly great at something, and I do know that I do have potential if I just work hard towards it.
But you see.
Life is so fun and comfortable right now. It's so much nicer to let the sun bathe my skin and have endless conversations with people. It's so easy to get out from my house and get nothing but socialising done. Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy my life.
But whatever talents I have is forgotten.
If I even have any real ones of course.
But that, I will never know.
Until I learn how to stay with my own company.
Harakiri sausage challenge
Spontaneously booked a ticket to Sweden while sunbathing on the beach in Malta. Went from 35+ degrees to rain and grey clouds. I don't really know how I was thinking really.
In any case, I'm here in Stockholm for a little while before I go down to Gothenburg to hug people. So while here, it was time to try out the infamous harakiri challenge.
The challenge consist of a spicy sausage with bread (said to be the spiciest in the world, but I doubt very much they've been to Mexico). You're not allowed to put ketchup or any other topping except for the super hot chili sauce that comes with it. Then you have 5 minutes to chug and keep it down. Most people apparently experience stomach cramps at this stage. He other guy trying it after me vomited. Did I mention that you need to wear latex gloves?
If you are a pale Swedish type that's never left the country, I understand this thing of evil would kill you. But as a world-traveling food freak with Thai blood, this wasn't even giving me the sweats. I ate the whole thing in 3 min, had no stomach pains or problems with the toilet after. You goddamn swedish pussies
Just angry about everything right now
Had a nice drive to the wineyards yesterday, and stopped over at Oishii for a fishy lunch. The tuna tataki was a disappointment, but I stuffed my face with spicy miso soup and sashimi instead. It's hard to fail sashimi. All good.
Am I consuming the darkness, or is the darkness consuming me?
Seafood platter with ponzu oysters, pickled baby octopus and wasabi calamari rings, followed by crispy skin ocean trout with scallop, mussle and prawn tomato ragu. It costs to eat good...
Breathing is heavy nowadays
Spent the half day off doodling around with my fineliner. Long time no see darlings
Stopped wearing eyeliner 2 months ago
Another thing to care less about.
6 months later
I can't get away.
I traveled to the other side of the world to escape my memories
To forget the heartache
It doesn't work.
Life here in Australia isn't too bad. A bit boring maybe, but with 11h of work every day I'm fine. I am not good, nor bad. Just when I'm left alone with my head and heart.
One thing I can't get away from is the dark cloud of suicide thoughts slowly rolling over me, heavier and heavier. Not that I'm about to go kill myself or so, but just... Thoughts. I can't chase them away. They're always there whenever I have free time, circling around and in my head, telling me how nice it would be to be free from all the suffering in this world. Sure we'd miss out on nice stuff aswell, but this slowly encasing depression has viciously started to drain me of my then-so-strong joy. I used to be the power up person, the girl always spreading positive energies around. And now, I'm just this gloomy weirdo. I couldn't even fully enjoy Asia when I traveled there a month.
Don't get me wrong, I do have a nice time whenever I meet great people. But every single second I'm alone I'm lost in heartache again. My insides are aching constantly, and flaming up in every lone moment. When I wake up. When I go to sleep. I'm not thrown into despair as I was before, but this kind of depression is viciously draining me of joy, slowly slowly... Maybe one day these thoughts of dying will be real. Without me even realizing how far it's gone. I'm not saying it'll happen for sure. But it can't continue in this direction. Suicide thoughts are not a long-term part of breakups.
Alright. Let's talk about the frog and the stingray I ate last week in Malaysia. I've been too busy with work, so this update is a bit late I know..
Anyway. Got my eyes on a skewer-stand in KL, bukit bintang area. They had big-ass frogs and stingrays and of course I was interested. You pretty much pick whatever skewered you feel like and they grill/deep fry them for you.
I ate frog twice in Malaysia, and I have to say that the meat doesn't really taste.... Anything. It's just texture. It's a little bit gummy-ish, and maybe not the star in Malay cuisine really. It was fun to try though!
The stingray was actually very nice. I had it first grilled, then slightly deep fried. Imagine a big fish, for example swordfish... That's the texture. Not flakey and white like most fishes, but you could feel that it was a sea creature. If they cut it like any other fish you could easily put it in a bouillabaisse. The skin and bones was a little bit of a hassle, but I could eat this again for sure (later had a stingray ginger-stir fry, gorgeous).
Also had a little quail. Not bad, but chicken is way better
Sorry for being low on updates again guys. Just came to my final destination and started doing 12 shifts straight away. Still in the process of learning, but my gut feeling isn't too happy for some reason. We'll see how it turns out.
Monday's off though, so hopefully I'll come up with something tomorrow!