calory

Let's start with the basics. 

I've lived my whole adult life in this south-european, stupid and beautiful little island called Malta. The last 3 summers, I've been going to Norway to work summer season simply for the reason that the summer is cooler, there is higher pay and a more rapid professional growth. This summer to come was supposed to be the same, leaving Malta in June. But this time, leaving to stay in Scandinavia.  

Me and Simon has been making plans. Plans of next step in life. Plans of a little companion to take care of. While I personally am ashamed of this decision as I've always been opposed to birthing anyone inte the curse of humanity, I am also very excited for it. 

I still think it's a very bad idea to put someone here, in this broken world, for the suffering it'll surely feel. But as I've feared it would, my mind is bending for the biological clock.  I can't help myself for wanting it SO MUCH now. The excuses starts to come. 

Maybe I can make the world better for the child than it's been for me? Maybe I can give it a wholesome upbringing, as I was refused? What if we just isolate ourselves in a little bubble away from the stupidity of humanity and live self sufficient? 

If the current plan goes well, we'll be looking into being pregnant in a year. Birthing between August to November.  Which means we'll be moving back to Sweden, where we can reap the better benefits of parental leave and an educational upbringing that we've both been through, and trust in. My biggest fear is not if we will be capable to take care of a child; it's actually if I can live in a Nordic country. 

I have never been away from Malta for more than that 1 year I spent miserable in Australia. It feels like a damn big step to decide to spend the next 15 years back in my own country. One that I'm not even familiar with anymore.  Sure, we will be mainly focused inwards the household for taking care of the little one, but can I cope with life there? Can I live happily without seeing the sun glittering on the Mediterranean waters every day? The absence of sun during the winter? 

The Mediterranean lifestyle is the one that's shaped me as an adult. I'm just worried if the climate or mentality might make me depressed. I'm not planning to spend the rest of my life in Sweden, just while the child grows up. I want him/her to have a base in one of the safest countries in Europe. And I plan on coming back to Malta, once I'm not as financially dependent on long hours for low pay. On regular holidays. After all, I have all of my friends here, and my child will grow up with them too. 

It's somehow funny that I, in the whole decision to have a child, isn't worried for being able to provide. I'm a natural caretaker. It's whether I can cope with being Swedish again, after 10 years of learning how to be an adult in Malta. I'll just have to remember that nothing is forever, and that by the time we're back in Malta, we'll all be in better position for life there ❤️

I met with V this night. We were on a shabby house party, but decided to ditch it to go to the beach and watch Joaquim swim in the ice cold water. We sat next to each other on the beach under the night sky, warm hearts, no words spoken.

We later on went back to the house party we came from. At first, I snuggled myself into the sofa beside someone else, to see it he would react, but quickly changed my mind to sit next to him. I then wake up into this world, but decides to stay half asleep, watching him through a window in that dimension, seeing him sit there in the sofa at the party...

As I turn into Simon's damn, I realize through the sting in my heart how much I do miss him, but am happy that I could differ from my emotions and stay with someone that makes me happy in real life, and not only in my dreams.