calory

I traveled to the other side of the world to escape my memories

To forget the heartache

It doesn't work.

Life here in Australia isn't too bad. A bit boring maybe, but with 11h of work every day I'm fine. I am not good, nor bad. Just when I'm left alone with my head and heart.

One thing I can't get away from is the dark cloud of suicide thoughts slowly rolling over me, heavier and heavier. Not that I'm about to go kill myself or so, but just... Thoughts. I can't chase them away. They're always there whenever I have free time, circling around and in my head, telling me how nice it would be to be free from all the suffering in this world. Sure we'd miss out on nice stuff aswell, but this slowly encasing depression has viciously started to drain me of my then-so-strong joy. I used to be the power up person, the girl always spreading positive energies around. And now, I'm just this gloomy weirdo. I couldn't even fully enjoy Asia when I traveled there a month.

Don't get me wrong, I do have a nice time whenever I meet great people. But every single second I'm alone I'm lost in heartache again. My insides are aching constantly, and flaming up in every lone moment. When I wake up. When I go to sleep. I'm not thrown into despair as I was before, but this kind of depression is viciously draining me of joy, slowly slowly... Maybe one day these thoughts of dying will be real. Without me even realizing how far it's gone. I'm not saying it'll happen for sure. But it can't continue in this direction. Suicide thoughts are not a long-term part of breakups.