April 8th 2023
Here I am again.
I'm 10 days til' due date, marriage soon ahead, and wondering what we have been reduced to.
Simon's been off weed for 2 weeks or something. I haven't seen him smile for a while, and I haven't felt any caressing love towards me during this time either. He's heads up in dark clouds ever since I told him that he can't have more until his deadline. A deadline I'm only witholding because of a Easter surprise I've planned. A happy surprise I was excited for, hiding weed eggs for him to find.
His mood now is ruining any vibe I had whatsoever, and unfortunately also reducing us. Our relationship. For every day that goes by with him acting like a zombie, the more I realise that this is not a battle I will ever win. He will always choose me over the weed, but only because it's logically the right thing to do - not because his heart wants to.
This week has shown me that I'm not enough to make him happy. Only weed can apparently do that.
While I didn't marry out of love, rather out of bureaucratic convenience, having a failed marriage before it even legally started does pinch. However, I will not let this stop me from being the best mother I can for this family.
I commit to be the absolute best me, and to put my petty feelings aside. I will act in this family's best interests to move forward. I will carry the whole load on my shoulders. I will be supermom.
But the notion of Simon as the man I am with for the rest of my life, is fading. Because why should I settle with someone that can't love me without weed. Why should I have to make sacrifices if he's not willing to himself.
Why should I carry the weight of feeling unloved.
Don't get me wrong. He is the best daddy I could ever ask for. But his mood this past week has made me lose both love & respect in our relationship. Weed should be a treat, not a necessity.
If this is going to be a thing every time he's out, I'll just keep losing. If we ever manage to drift apart that much ...
I'll just have to see however the puzzles will fit if we ever get to that stage. But one thing's for sure. I will sacrifice all of myself, and never let my feelings or pettiness get in the way for our children's happiness.
Even if that means that I can't have full happiness myself.
