calory

The time is half past 5am, and I'm not tired. It seems like I lack the ability to feel sleepy if I'm not in bed, too often not even when. I wonder why. Not only about the sleepyness, I totally lack this feeling of wanting to come home, sit down, relax and just.. take it easy. Not doing anything. I would love that. I would love the ability to be able to just do nothing. But no. Instead, whenever I don't have anything to occupy myself with, I get lost. Confused, sometimes even depressed. Believe it or not, but I guess I'm a too big thinker whenever I don't do something. Me, thinker? Hahahahahahahaha. I'm surprised that I even manage to count to ten really (oh my god, really had to try first haha).

But yeah. I don't even know what point I had with this post. Might aswell be a distraction, at least I'm doing... something. Bah. I'll hand myself in for my thoughts to eat me before I fall in a physically well-needed sleep (like I should've done hours ago). I can't really understand how I can still feel somehow good, working 9-10 hours a day, drinking more or less every day and not sleeping even close to enough. I wake up, all by myself, after 4-5hours of sleep, more and more often lately. 1-2 nights a week; nightmares for no reason. Even lost weight (wait, is that really bad? ehehehe ;D). What the fuck, am I some kind of terminator for not feeling dead tired and all worn out? How can I have this much energy in my body? Am I a duracell bunny? I don't even feel particulary depressed. I just feel like some kind of jellyfish, floating around. And no, I don't really know what I'm talking about right now. Am I drunk? High? Hm... No. But hey, what the fuck's up then? Oh yeah. I'm alone with my head again. Dammit

Oh man, it's embarassing to even whine over such a simple thing that doesn't really matters for someone else. Feels like I got too many voices in my head: I feel like a silly, stupid teen again and again and again, all over, GODDAMNIT STOP IT NOW YOU SILLY ARSE