calory

Don’t blame the clown for acting like a clown

Ask yourself why you keep going back to the circus

For me, this happened on so many levels, just over a day; I suddenly wanted to keep myself in better physical health, and I also got fed up with this mindless, daily alcoholic socialisation. And with that, stopped smoking, as I’ve never really been a smoker without a drink in my hand. Suddenly, there’s so much extra time.

The strange part is that it hasn’t been difficult at all. It all came to me very naturally, by just being... fed up. Fed up of going out most nights of the week. Fed up of spending many of my free hours recovering. Fed up of being ashamed of going too crazy. Fed up speaking to the endless stream of people whom probably won’t bring more than one nights joy to my life. Fed up of not developing any other part of myself than my social network. I guess that hopeless december of life-anxiety and hormone swings did something magical. Maybe that Christmas fever was my toe-dip in hell in order to enter my next phase in life?

With all the extra time that I’ve got nowadays, I try to focus on things that I’ve always liked, but had fallen behind with amongst my priorities. So far, this stretches over 2 main topics (on top of my daily cooking & baking);

1) I’ve always been a very energetic person. Contortion, gymnastics, ballet and acrobatics has always been a huge interest of mine. As circus arts and gymnastics require more specific training halls than what I can find in Malta, yoga has been the go-to, as one can do it in any peaceful spot. Combine it with some nature and boom! Stretch and balance is back in my life. Mind you, as an ex-gymnast, I’m not sure if I’ll ever reach into the peaceful, yogi nirvana mindset. But that’s okay as long as my body agrees to bend into strange positions.

2) Another huge deal I’ve slowly gotten back to, is my arts. I’ve never seriously tried drawing with colours, and yet here I am, experimenting with brushes and acrylics and colour pencils. It’s sure as hell isn’t as easy as it was 10 years ago, but I understand that I’ll have to grind through it before it starts flowing. I did neglect it fo so long. It’s still going very slowly, but I’ll give myself that. I just hope it’s not too late for me to create art I’m satisfied with. Time will tell.

With all of this said, I’ve entered the new phase. I’m just 26, but I already feel middle-aged? 

My focus, at least right now, is finding a place where I can finally make my own home, self-care and self development. Mind you, I’m still allowing myself to go out every now and then. 2 evenings a week is okay (and a huge improvement), if the occasion is calling. Just not.... 6 days a week, every week, as it’s been the last 7 years. 

My body is thanking me with a better mood & general well-feeling (even tho sleeping might be difficult because I stopped numbing my brain with alcohol. So much clear thoughts running through my brain, making it impossible to fall asleep). But... Babysteps. I’m better. 

Phew. Finally grew a bit more. Just took me long enough.