calory

I saw a bus going to the outer parts of Malta today, and got reminded of that time me and Jakob catched a bus out to nowhere and hiked around.

For those who doesn't know, Jakob was my boyfriend between 2012-2014. It was a relationship the wrecked up, still in pieces-me completely ruined, and when he finally broke up, my whole soul was scattered like it had never been before. I stopped eating, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying, started having sleep paralysis hallucinations and even moved to far far away to Australia. Even 2 months of backpacking throughout Asia didn't ease the pain. I was still in complete agony, crying in every damn hostel room, and there was no way out.

To this day, it still counts as one of the most painful things I've been through. Counting my broken childhood, that's pretty hardcore. It's silly right? That such a normal thing like heartbreak could surpass other issues from a broken upbringing. It's all connected, of course. 

I was in agony for a full year. That's crazy! One full year of complete despair. Had I not been used to this from young age, I would never had survived this. And suddenly, there was another one. Pontus. The best guy ever, the one that got away. We fell in love, and I ruined that too.

Now that I'm a bit more in peace with myself, I realise what an absolute pain I've been. All those sharp, broken pieces inside of me has been sticking out, hurting everyone that has tried to love me. The thought that one can be such a horrible human being without realising it is terrifying. I thought I was alright. Looking back now, I wasn't.

The regret I feel when thinking back on all of those people I've hurt so bad, is immense. I feel it throughout my whole soul, and I am truly truly sorry.

I've had the opportunity to express my remorse to some, but to others, I will always remain the one that broke their trust and hearts. Maybe one day I'll get to make it up to them. But so far, nothing makes me sadder than knowing that.