The birth story
Isola Juni Chailom Jäghammar was born on Monday 5th of July 2021, at pregnancy week 39 +5 days.
Her birth experience went so different than what I had magined at all. In my imagination, I kept my cool more, and I thought I'd hold onto the breathing techniques better. I had a birth plan written, but I realised that it would turn out useless pretty early. So I never gave it to the midwifes 🙃
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The transition from late pregnancy to labour started with some slightly upset bowels. That feeling you get when you've had a little too much chillies. The slight ass cramps & sweats 😆
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I also noticed my belly go hard in intervals for a little while, completely painless. I couldn't even feel it, if I hadn't physically touched my stomach. After a few hours with those 'ghost contractions', I started to actually feel them in my belly. They then gradually started to turn painful.
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The painless contractions started earlier, but everything else started almost exactly at midnight. The beginning of a new week.
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I started timing the contractions when they started to become uncomfortable, just after midnight. They steadily held for about 2 minutes each time, with varying frequency. Mild in the beginning, but picked up in intensity. I had planned to stay at home for as long as I possibly could, to avoid having to go back and forth to the hospital, but by around 06:00am I called the hospital to ask for advice as the contractions had started to become crippling. They told me to come in for a cervix check if I wanted. I gave it a thought, decided to let Simon sleep a bit more, pushed through another 2h, and at 08:00am we both went in.
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I was given a delivery room upon arrival, which I hadn't anticipated. We were not prepared at all to stay for delivery. We hadn't brought anything! But there I was, and when they checked me I was only 1cm dilated. They left me in the room to wait for more dilation, & the contractions kept picking up intensity. After 4h they checked me again and I had barely dilated another cm!! At this point I was on the bathroom floor, desperately trying to use the hot shower water to ease the pain, which kept picking up.
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To my distress, we decided together that it would be best to wait for a natural dilation rather than popping the membrane and forcing on the labour, so I was left another agonizing 4h.... I started to loose my cool around here. My deep breaths gradually turned into slow hyperventilation, then fast ones that cracked my lips completely.
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Fast forward another 4h, and I'm now very loudly moaning in pain. They go in and break my waters at 5cm. Only 5cm dilated, from 16h of contractions ?! Some idiot nurse said "well that's half of the labour!", and I lost hope completely. The thought of staying in that excruciating pain panicked my mind. However, they broke my water and gave me an injection of petadine, which took the worst edge off the pain - but it all was still incredibly painful and even though I knew that I was supposed to feel exactly this way, I felt like my cervix was about to explode.
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I must've dilated from 3 to 9cm pretty fast after my waters was broken, because the pain escalated into madness quite fast after that.They didn't manage to get the epidural in before I was in too much pain to sit still, and the anesthesiologist pricked me 14 times right in the spine. Only to have it not work. I was panicking. It was surreal 😂
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Now, thinking back, the epidural probably did numb some areas - it just didn't numb my contraction pains. So when they kept escalating, I kept panicking.
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Roughly 4h after my water was broken, I had the urge to push, but as I wasn't sure at first, I said nothing to the midwife. I was begging them to knock me out at that point. Desperation for pain relief had reached its peak. I just wanted them to cut me open and get her out. They obviously didn't listen to the delusional wishes of a labouring woman that's been in screaming pain for 22h straight 😂
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Then! I felt her getting ready to finally come out. She was already on her way in the birth canal when the midwife made the last check, and we started pushing. And what a relief to finally feel like it was going somewhere! For 22h it's just been standing still, being able to do absolutely nothing more than to take an escalating pain, just waiting. The psychological terror when the nurse said "I was only halfway" at 18h. They could definitely have been a bit more supportive, and chosen better words. Knowing I had hours in front of me with no relief was pure horror.
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So when we started to push, I finally felt like I could do something myself, to aid in this birth. I finally had the physical power to get her out faster. The Midwife had me lay on my back to push, even though I wanted to birth kneeling, but at that point I just wanted her out so I complied. The pushing stage went so fast. A little bit too fast - I teared. But I finally had power. Pushing and pooping activates the same muscles, so I did feel myself push poop in the same time too - but I could not care less about that in the moment. The midwife asked if I wanted to feel her head crowning. I screamed NOOOO 😂 As she's had her first bowel movements inside the birth canal already, it was all about getting her out as fast as possible now. Not a second to waste.
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She descended so fast I ripped my vagina, both on the inside & outside (I didn't feel the rip, thank god). And then she crowned. A few pushes later, I heard her cry. She was wiped, and put to my chest. I could still feel her warm, pulsating cord being attached to the placenta that was still inside of me. The insane pain I had felt for the past 23h subsided almost instantly, and I could for the first time in hours open my eyes and take a deep breath.
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And there she was. The most perfect little tiny human had just emerged from inside of me. Despite the cascade of blood she came out with, she already smelled just so good. She attached to the nipple straight away, and I could finally start controlling my breathing again. The worst part was over. She was finally here, and she was absolutely perfect.
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Simon was a tremendous help during the last stage of labour. He helped the nurses hold me down and gave me encouraging support when I had long lost my inner battle.
\\nWhen she was crowning, he had his head right there, and was witness to the first sights ever of our daughter. I find that beautiful, and important. He welcomed her first, from one world into another.
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The rest of the hospital stay was not a good experience. The midwifes made me feel like a weirdo for birthing naked (I even had to put clothes on for the anesthesiologist?? DURING LABOUR??). Some also made remarks on how unprepared we was, and made us feel like fools for not knowing basic things. Stayed 36h for observation at the hospital. My nipples were in SO MUCH PAIN, from just the first day of breastfeeding, that I questioned if I would be able to continue. They were bleeding, and she had to feed every hour. It felt like necessary torture.
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Although I felt so miserable from the whole hospital experience, I had my sunshine in my arms. My new purpose in life. A being created out of pure love. To show me that there's so much good things out there to be felt in the world.
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I still can't believe that I pushed this little person out from my body. Would I say that all the pain was forgotten when she was put to my chest? Not really. It was pretty traumatic.
But it was one of the coolest things I've ever done. I created this tiny human inside of me, and through fire and flames, I pushed her through my birth canal. In the end, it really was all worth it. Pain is transformative. Emotionally reborn, again ♡
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(Ps. I love the picture of when I'm on the shower floor. It's honest, funny and raw. Never to forget ♡)
