calory

While I’m sure that the love I felt, and the lack of acknowledgement of it, was the foundation of the heartache, I’m also sure that this was a certain hell I had to walk through in order to emerge as I’ve done today. So much pain caused by too much inheld love, freed by an amazing chance named Simon, that thanks to his unconditional love made me realise that I can love myself. And with that, the emotional realisation that I don’t need anyone to make me whole. That I am whole. And that I could be happy if I only made peace with my mind. That mind, so toxic and full of self loathing, like dark clouds formed from childhood, that’d clinged to anyone coming close.

But us, Viktor. 

We sure had love, but in very different ways. I loved you too much, too fast, and when you were finally ready to admit your own feelings, I had been starved to the point of desperation. What did it take for you, 2 years already separated, when you mustered the power to say that you loved me? That short time we lived together, I had even start to hurt myself again, in the abscence of answers. The last time I cut myself was at age 25.

You and I met Simon almost the same time. One day in between. Simon had no clue about us, but decided that I was his love at first sight. I had no eyes on anyone else than you, Viktor. But I was starved, and I needed love. One way to put it, I was an easy, fragile victim for the unconditional love that Simon threw at me from the beginning. So there I was, caught in the storm of meeting the person that would give me all and more love than I’ve ever experienced, and you. 

It’s been hell of a ride, these 3 years. I’ve been torn and twisted in between someone that’s willing to do literally anything for me, and you, whom my soul have fought so hard for. The excruciating pain of loving you made me hold on longer. I had Simon, and hurt him along the way. I still couldn’t get rid of the feeling that deep down inside, a part of my heart, will always have loved you.

But with time, came answers. I’ve slowly started to heal. And through those cracked, but healing lenses, I’ve slowly realised a lot of things. And one of them, is that I am happy with Simon, however much I tell myself that I can’t ignore the love I felt for you. He is my best friend. He makes me laugh, every single day. He actively refuses to leave my side (we actually had lots of fights about this). We are happy together, and I’d be a fool to not acknowledge the self-healing he’s helped me through.

It took me 2 years to muster the strength to decide that we have to be over. Took me additional 2 months to grow the balls to set up our last meeting. 

While some might wonder why I needed to meet to fully separate, I needed a proper farewell. I needed to spill the contents of my heart out, and make sure that I had nothing unsaid that would come back and haunt me. It was also incredibly important to me to express the gratefulness I feel for the time we’ve spent together. What happened between us was no one’s fault. We were just not synced very well. A sad case of bad timing, that to this day count as one of my biggest life lessons. 

I maybe had to scar the most, right before I could heal. And in spite of these events, I am eternally grateful for meeting you. You taught me a lot through pain. The lucky chance that Simon came along is also an incredible stroke of luck. Without the combination of both of you, I would maybe be stuck with my toxic self. I wouldn’t have learnt to heal on the inside. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

So thank you, Viktor. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your love. I am sure that it was hard and painful for you too, and I’m sorry for being part of it. I can only hope that you’ll walk away from this with a new set of eyes on life, and with cherished memories of the good times we had. Thanks for meeting me for the last time, and for showing that the appreciation of what was us is there. Thanks for letting me cry about us, and comforting me about it. Our chapter is now closed, and I’m happy to be able to look back at this as something that started out dark, but ended up beautiful. The power of a proper farewell, and a chance to show that I’m grateful. 

Thank you, always 💜 

  

First meal of 2020, in Sicily!

After starving for the last few days because of too much work, the 2 pizzas & roasted veggie plate + bottle of Nero D’avola completely killed us. It’s now 20:22, and we’re already in bed (?!?!?!) 

Looking forward for a glorious tomorrow, as we continue to eat the rest of Sicily away 😘