New year, new me?

Well hi there. It’s been a while. 

To start with, I haven’t really been myself for the last couple of months. My routines and general well-being has changed. Unfortunately, not to the better. Which is strange seeing that I’ve finally met someone that’s really good for me. I’m now spending most of my time together with someone who really really adores and respect me as an emotional being. And who loves me unconditionally. 

Just this alone should be enough, right? 

Lately, I’ve felt this illogical tiredness weighing me down to the point that all I want to do is to just sleep all of my life away. Nothing is fun anymore, and I can’t bring myself to get anything done. This tiredness just hit me in the face this autumn 2018. Out of nowhere. Which makes me panic inside, as I’ve been this super productive workaholic for all of my adult years. What happened to getting things done, all the time? Surely, relaxing is good, but going from super-productivity to sleeping 12h every day, that’s just not okay. I need to find a way out of this. 

I have my theory about the implant in my arm malfunctioning. Which I strongly believe in. You see, I’ve got this P-rod stuck in my arm since 2011, which sends out hormones and basically stops my menstruation and ability to get pregnant. Basically, I haven’t had period in 8 years. Then, this autumn, I suddenly notice some tiny bleedings. Nothing to worry about, I thought. A bad case of influenza followed, killed my immune system and I slowly notice myself getting more and more demotivated, starting to sleep more, starting to crave foods that I normally don’t crave and now I’m so far gone in this that I’ve kind of lost hope, I’m overthinking every normal aspect of life and panics about elderdom and I’m more and more consumed by paralysing anxiety for each day I decide to stay in bed because I can’t face the pain of being conscious.

I still have a part-time job to go to, but I don’t think it’s enough. As I’m so used to being a workaholic, I might need to find something that keeps me more busy from my demons. Which is really hard now that I’m stuck with whatever this tiredness am. Whatever’s wrong with the hormones that my p-rod is sending out, I need to find my way back to productivity. I can’t count on getting this fixed even when I change the implant. It might not. 

So far, the only hopes I have of 2019, is to get back on track. Find my way back to being happy with little. Seeing beauty in the small things around me. Find hope, and my will to live again. And to stop sleeping 12 fucking hours a day. 


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Spent most of the year drinking happy hour cocktails at 
The Black Sheep in Sliema, my second home during 2018

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