calory

While still sharing bed with my ex (we still shared for 7 months after breakup), I met Vicky. Who was so wrong for me, but whom I just couldn’t stay away from. The main part of the first third of the year was just struggling about getting his love, affection, attention or whatever. He had his own deep insecurities, but I needed him more than what he could give. I was completely and utterly devastated that he wouldn’t let me into his heart. It was like being heartbroken by the person you’d sleep next to every night. So close, but soul-crushingly far away. I cried most of the nights. 

Thinking about it, that had been my life since May 2017. 

Being heartbroken by the person next to you. No wonder I’m a trainwreck. 

This progressed even through the meeting of Simon. Simon just stumbled randomly into my life a day before I left Malta to work season in Norway. While Vicky wouldn’t write to me after we had our first cyber-fight, Simon kept me company on Skype. I didn’t hear anything from Vicky during those two months I spent in Norway. I spoke with Simon every evening. Our conversations were so fluent. My heart started shifting. 

And then I was back in Malta. In the end, Vicky hadn’t written, so I felt like he wasn’t available after a summer away. I was also pissed off, as I thought that we would continue whatever relationship we had when I got back. So I turned to Simon, who offered me an extra bed and warm hugs. Understanding. And too much love from his side than he should, as I was still considering myself to be with Vicky. Even after not chatting for two months. I pushed myself down a lot, excusing Vicky’s lack of affection as introvertedness. For too long I guess. I’d cut my legs in a cry for his attention when I was lost in despair. Twice.

August to December has been a struggle in between them both. I’ve fought so hard for being with Vicky, that it makes it hard to just let it go. So much energy and tears spent to make that relationship work. But being with Simon just brings me happiness, laughter and understanding. He actually tries to bend for my sake. Which is all I’ve ever wanted from Vicky. To feel fought for. To feel prioritised. To feel that I actually mean something for the person that I care about. 

Vicky has been my drug this year. Something that I really really wanted and couldn’t stop, but which just wasn’t good for me. We were never a good match, but I sure tried to the brink of my own destruction to make it work. I loved him with my broken heart, while all logic screamed against it. I do miss him a lot. I want us to be able to hang out casually. I still want him to be some part of my life. But we haven’t met lately, mainly because of Simon’s own insecurities about our relationship.

Simon. In a kind of way, he saved me. He fed my broken soul warmth, and made me feel loved. We still live together now, since that day in August I arrived in Malta with no idea of if I would stay at Vicky’s or not. Simon, my lover and my absolute best friend. 

I don’t know how long we’re gonna continue hanging out for. We have our problems, and I feel that he’s become too dependent on me for his own happiness. But I’m eternally grateful for him picking up my pieces along the way. For still wanting to be there for me, through this whole circus. This unconditional love is something I never thought I would feel this year. 

But it’s still here. 

And it’s still growing.